  As the title of the post suggests, this will be basically just me ranting on a random subject that ticks me off… And today, the lucky winner is… Slash fanfiction based on Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Quick warning before the ranting begins: the fact that I’m not a fan of Buffy slash does not mean that I’m homophobic, intolerant, close-minded, and so on… Actually, I make that pretty clear by what I say in my rant… This is not the kind of rant where I’ll just bitch about gayness in fanfiction! Gay fanfiction is great, but only as long as it actually makes sense… Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as well as being one of my favourite TV shows of all-time (it’s right up there with Angel: the Series, Will &amp; Grace, Saturday Night Live and South Park), is also a gay-friendly show. The fact that the protagonist is an ass-kicking female who doesn’t need guys to survive would be enough for the show to qualify as feminist and maybe a little lesbian-oriented (even though Buffy is straight), but the fact that one of the main characters (Willow, of course) actually is gay makes it even more appropriate for gay subtext. So, it’s been made clear that Willow and Tara have had sex, even though the actually act was never shown on screen, and actually saw Willow and Kennedy doing it during Season Seven.
And sure, there was something that seemed sexual in a few of the relationships on the show. For example, Buffy and Faith, Spike and Angel, Darla and Drusilla… But that subtext was obvious: Buffy and Faith would have made a great couple because they were such opposites, Spike and Angel were vampires who shared their girlfriends, and possibly more, and Darla and Dru had totally been sleeping together at some point. Now that it’s been made clear that I realize and accept the fact that there was some gay subtext going on in that show, let me tell you what really bothers me.
Two words: canon slash. Actually, non-slash canon is just as bad (in my opinion), but let’s just say that in Buffy’s case, there’s a whole lot more canon slash going on in fanfiction than there is canon het. I’ll only say this once: Spike and Giles weren’t having sex, Angel and Xander weren’t having sex, Faith and Tara weren’t having sex, and Buffy and Dawn is just sick. Come on, people! Where the Hell do you see this attraction? IT’S NOT THERE!!!! If you’re going to write slash fanfiction, at least make it about an existing, or at least possible, couple or group! The Feared Foursome were totally having sex as a group, and that’s fine: write about that! Or write another fanfiction about Buffy and Faith’s slaying/sex escapades, to add to the thousands that already exist!
Or do something that makes sense! I just think that there’s a major difference between writing your own version of what happened after Tara blew out the candle at the end of New Moon Rising or writing about the four evil vamps fucking and sucking (the blood of…) each other, and having Spike tie Giles up in his Library, pour some whipped cream all over him, and give him his first taste of sodomy… It won’t happen, so get over it.
Actually, if fanfiction writers who did canon slash at least did something realistic, then I’d be fine with it. Really. It’s just that most of the canon slash (or het) usually is about a first experience for one of the characters, and the character always ends up being like a fucking porn star… No one gives amazing blow jobs right away, and a virgin girl sure as Hell can’t make another one come in five minutes flat. And raw anal is BAD for you. Really. Come on, guys… Like I wrote to some guy who’d drawn out of proportion Anime porn on a table in Ottawa, “At least make it seem realistic”… And that’s it for my ranting… Ain’t it grand? I’ll just shut up. And take an online quiz. Gab the First 
