  We went to (S)'s orientation for school today. She had a really great time and managed to alleviate all of her fears. lol. She was worried about 'this' or 'that' and I told her it would all work out and she would see that Junior High isn't as complicated as it seems. She's very happy and that of course makes ME happy. =-) I was playing Canasta with A. last night and I reminded her that she said she'd watch (T).
for me tomorrow while I took (S) to school. She gave me this long pause and said "well, ummm ... how later? Mom is off tomorrow and I'll .... umm .. have to see if it's ... umm, ok with her. " She didn't actually say it that way in the chat, but that's how she made me feel. She didn't just say "ok" like she did originally. She then called me this morning and told me that it would be fine with her Mother to bring her over this evening.
And that I shouldn't forget to feed her before we come over or to at least bring some dinner with me for her. My first thought was how many times they have eaten here without any forethought and how often I feed their child without thinking about it. I don't know, the whole thing just seemed weird to me and I got a funny feeling. Later in the day, (B) asked to come over on the way to the store. Once they got there, she seemed in a bit of a hurry to leave. Especially when (B) moved to sit next to me.
I'm not 'saying' anything really ... just that it felt weird ... different than it has ever before. Also, the other day I told her about how I thought that (B) does a really cool thing with his hands when we're having sex. I couldn't really explain it very well, other than to say that I just liked it. He even asked me later what it was exactly because he really had no idea he was doing anything special at all. Well, since then ... (A) has called him "magic fingers" around me. She goes ON and ON and ON about what wonderful fingers he has.
I just find it funny. It's like the butt thing, she doesn't notice it at all until I make a comment about something. I think in reality she knows she'll never be me or have what I have and so she tries to make me jealous of the things SHE has. It's weird .. and I'm saying that word a lot tonight. lol And by the way, I took (T) with me to school. Bev came over several times today and guess what I notice?
She's flirting with me. I don't think it would ever go anywhere .... not like at the yard party but I think she is intrigued by what happened and likes to have that open relationship with me. She likes being a little bit flirty with another female. It's totally fine by me because she's a good person inside and I like spending time with her. We have a lot of fun together. It's funny ... she's less attractive than (A) in the face, but her personality goes W A Y beyond that of (A) and that makes her MORE attractive in the end.
Maybe there IS something to that whole thing about "it's what's on the inside that counts". I called (M) at the Hotel this evening. He seemed happy to hear from me. He said he's been working hard and being good. He said that he's going to go have a beer tonight and that made my stomach clentch a little bit. There is an ever present small fear that I'm stupid and don't see what is really going on sometimes.
I fear that I have closed off my 'receptors' and am no longer willing to see anything outside of my perfect little bubble. It's not a big fear though. I mostly think it's just the fear of totally letting go and having pure Faith in someone. If I am ever to achieve that, I wish it to be with (M). He is my everything and we are headed for wondrous times. I will tell you this, it's been nice to sit at home after it's dark and the world is settling in for the night and not feel a darkness in my center.
To not feel like there is something terribly wrong. He should be home tomorrow afternoon. Let's hope. Last night when I went to bed, I was a little frightened by all the noise in the house. I had to lay there for a bit with the light on because I was too scared to turn it off. I thought about the fact that I could call (B) and ask him to just come and lay with me so I'd feel safer.
Not touch me in any way or snuggle, but just to be in the same room. I didn't think of (M) because he's so far away and it's not possible for him to be here. The thought of (B) though and that I COULD have him come over, made me feel better. It actually helped me to go to sleep. I don't want (M) to think that I was choosing (B) over him, it's just that the possibility was what made me feel better, not actually the person. I talked with my Mom today.
I almost told her about my hair, but I had company coming in and out and didn't want to distract from the conversation once I told her. I think I'll take some pictures and send them while I tell her all about it. That will be fun! She's doing fine I guess. She said that Daddy will probably have to have surgery soon on his neck. He has some bone spurs that are getting bad and keeping him from being able to turn his head.
I hate the thought of my parents winding down. Tick-Tock-Tick ........ Tock. I saw something on (M)'s computer that bothered me a little. I was writing emails and thinking of sending my sister some more pictures and I thought about Amy and that I should write her. So I got on (M)'s computer to get the address and I see that he has signed some of his letters to her as "Kazs" or something like that. I can't remember exactly.
The thing that I guess that bothered me was the casualness of the signature and the fact that I had never heard him refer to himself in that way. I felt like it was a small secret thing between them that I'm not part of. It just made me feel weird. And, I'm not totally convinced that he would be faithful to me under the wrong circumstances. See how I am? Ok, just stop-it.
I'm not even going to go there. I trust him and have faith. Especially after all that we have learned in the past few months. We are so different than we have ever been. I love him. Ok, I warned you that I would write a lot this week.
What else is there to do when the only thing keeping me company are the voices in my head? It's 10:30 now and perhaps I'll go play some games on Pogo. See ya .... 
