  I haven't cried in a long time. A very long time in fact. Matt has given me no reason to. I've come close once, a few weeks ago but I fought it and I won and we worked things out soon after. Tonight though, I lost. I know it's silly but I have had this stupid idea stuck in my head that as long as I don't cry, we're doing ok. We're movng forward and not slipping back any.
I've thought that if I cried at all, the delicate layer between our world and all the loneliness and anger of yesterday would be eaten away by the salt in my tears. That my tears would wash away all the happiness that I have felt and that they would be a calling card for the slow decent ...... back. I will close now and finish this tomorrow perhaps. Matt and I are on more stable ground now but I am still fighting those tears. Too many have already fallen for my liking but I could not stop them. I will revisit this later, as I have more to say. (the next day) Things don't seem as bleak today as they did last night. Matt and I were able to get out of the mess last night and go to bed with peace and we awoke holding each other. I'm still not sure what went wrong though. I am inclinded to think that I should have not said anything but that surely WOULD be a step in the wrong direction. I'm just so afraid of being hurt ... Actually, it's not the being hurt that scares me, it's the betrayal that I fear.
It wrenches my gut into knots even thinking about such things. *sigh* But that's no way to live and I know that. I trust in Matt and what we build with each other on a daily bases. The funny thing is, even sitting here now, I still feel like crying. Matt is mowing the yard and the girls are doing their own thing. I still feel a heaviness in my chest for some reason.
It's the doomed feeling I get when something near me is spinning out of sync. I haven't felt that in a long time and I confess that I haven't missed it one bit. As I've always done when I feel the knocking, I will lay out the whiteboard and wait and see if something comes into focus. I've always hated the waiting more than anything else. EOTSFN 
