  I`m trying as best I can to focus on the positive, but what my head tries to focus on is overuled by what my gut instincts tell me. I was at the doctors the other day, and he`s doing the best he can to try and reassure me that all is going well, all will get better and that things are not all bad. My head was going yes, I have a job to go back to, I have a lovely supportive wife, and professional help. My gut instinct however was telling me thats`s it! The only thing I really have going is my marriage, and if I don`t get my head together soon then I`m going to tear that apart along with everything else in my life.
From my own life experience I almost feel as if I`m being rebuilt so I can be torn down again. I don`t want to, and don`t feel capable of returning to my job. It`s not an environment in which my self-esteem is going to thrive. If I go back, I give it a fornight before I`m a basket case again.
I have no true supports other than my wife and my doctor. It`s been a lifetime of letdowns, frustration, futlity, boredom, dissapointment, shame and uselesness. I have no ideal skills at all. I`m purely floating, helpless as I become ever more unravelled. All the time I feel sick with nerves. The aches, sleeplessness, anxiety and sheer terror of what is next fester in my guts. I need more out of life than being ignored, bullied, ridiculed, excluded. I need somewhere I belong. I need to feel I am valuable and appreciated, not merely conveniant and tolerated. I have lost all joy & all hope. Whats next? Fucked if I know. 
