  Maybe it's because it's been a bad week already, but I'm just wondering why things are they way they are. Let me vent a little... For the record, I'm a 39 year old female running headstrong into 40 like it was a brick wall. Not because I'm all that positive about being 40, I guess it's better than the alternative, but because lately I feel like I'm on a perpetual sheet of ice about 3 feet thick and sliding hopelessly out of control. Is this normal for the "pre-40" group of my gender? I've never really given much consideration to age...afterall, it's just a number, right? But lately it seems there is so much focus on age in the media that I'm beginning to wonder if I should be paying more attention to that "number" than I am! Maybe I'm just more aware of the focus and it's always been there? I have a son who's soon to be 19 and heading off to college on the other side of the country in September.
This is a very emotional thing for me since it's always been "him and me" and now it will be just "me". I'm anxious to see how he does on his own and what he will accomplish, but I also know it will be a bit lonely and somehow I'm going to miss the computer game sounds that are a bit too loud and the constant dinging of IM messages coming from behind his closed bedroom door at night.
My son's father and I divorced around 1997 after I finally woke up and realized that it really does take two people to try to make a relationship work. Before that it was a one sided "try" and I was exhausted from the effort. My ex had done the most heinous act of having an affair with my next-door neighbor who just happened to be the token "best friend". Even after I agreed to stay in the marriage and try to make it work, he didn't contact either myself or our son for over 3 months while away on business.
That was pretty much the ending point for me. Why waste the effort on someone that won't offer the same in return? So...since then, it's be my son and I trying to get through High School, Driving Lessons, Dates, First Jobs, First Fender-Bender, First Roll-Over, and SO much more without wanting to pinch each other's head like a zit!
It's been rough a few times, but so far I think I can say "We Made It" ... so far... and we still have a great relationship intact! Once upon a time I had a wonderful job. I worked for an internet company during the highlight of the "dotcoms". A couple years later, I was one of the many who got laid off and for a year and a half I could not find a job to save my butt! Luckily I had finances but aside so my son and I survived much better than a lot of people I know, but it was still tough. Especially on the self-esteem! Now I'm working a dead-end retail job with no health benefits (or any other benefits), no chance for advancement, no raises in the last 2 years I've been there, and worse yet...I'm on salary so that means no overtime pay for the overtime hours I'm required to put in during those "times of crises". Can you tell I'm not thrilled? I just keep reminding myself that this annoying job is paying the bills if nothing else, and it's not rocket science so I'm pretty darned good at it. I've been dating my boyfriend for years now. "Boyfriend"... that word seems so immature when you're almost 40, but "Partner" reminds me too much of a western! We've had some wonderful times together and have always enjoyed our relationship as is...neither of us is willing to jump into marriage at this point, and it's possible neither of us will ever be.
Anyhow, he's a wonderful man with a very kind and caring soul...until he too fell into a financial mudhole. Recently he's been in a "funk", if you will, and try as I may, there's just no easy way to get him out of it. Of course now he's doing the "Man" thing and not participating in the long and personal conversations that we once had, and he's a lot more moody than he used to be. Understandably so, I agree... but without the open conversations regarding those deep dark corners of your soul, the relationship will eventually start to suffer.
And ours has. Why do men insist on clamming up tighter than a virgin's knees on prom night? Yes, yes... I admit... I was one of those people that actually own AND READ the book "Men Are From Mars...", and I completely understand the "need to revert back into the cave" feeling, but HEY... you aren't under "Cave Arrest"... come on out once in a while!
I promise no zappage of the ankles or wrists will occur! Just don't let the relationship become stagnate. So there you have it. My first installment to give you a slight background of what I'm beginning to think is my "dead end life" with my dead end job and my dead end relationship. Now I find myself wondering "So what's next?"... beyond getting my son to his college and then making the long, loney drive back to this side of the country... then what?
Obviously I don't know all the answers. I don't know how often I'll have something of interest to post on here. All I know is that everyday is just another day, and everyone has their problems and annoyances to get through. If you have experiences to share, or just venting to do, post a comment! No matter how bad the day seems, it's just another thread in the tapestry of life and it too shall pass. Thanks for "listening"! 
