  This is my first post. I couldn't post on my other webpage... keiko120312.blogdrive.com because my friends could read it. I have a best friend named carah, but things aren't going so well with us. We used to think we were so mature for our age when we were in 8th grade, but now we are in 11th grade and its like we are still stuck back in 8th grade. She had a friend in Salem named Melanie who is 2 grades below us who hates me. Her and carah got high on cough syrup and when I asked carah who's idea it was, carah told me it was melanie's.
I knew that was the truth, because the whole time Melanie was with us at bowling practice, she kept wanting to go to Roth's IGA. Melanie hates me, because I told carah's mom that it was melanie's idea to get high. That happened last October, but Melanie can't seem to get over it. She has always hated me, because I get to see carah when ever I want to because I live closer to carah then Melanie does. Melanie and I might not ever admit it, but we at one point or another have been jealous of one another. I never liked Melanie, because she and carah had a closer relationship then I did with carah.
But as the years past, I found out that there was nothing to worry about. Me and Melanie were 2 different people and carah liked us both. We could both be her friends. Melanie still doesn't' like me though and she is always trying to break me and carah up it seems. Me and carah were really close at one time in 10th grade, but now not so much. She always had a problem with letting people in.
She kept things inside her like her toughs and feelings and never let me know all of them. I got to a point where she trusted me enough that she told me everything. But now she keeps things from me and it kills me to think that. I never felt like I have ever had to keep things from her, but that's just the way she is. I'm dating her cousin and we don't have much in common. We last saw each other 6 days ago and I have called him twice since then.
He hasn't called me in a while. I don't think he likes me much anymore... We have only gone out for like a month, but if he doesn't see us working out, he should tell me. I know that he isn't the guy for me, but at least I have someone to hang with. I'm so lonely it kills me. I have my family and my friend Sarah, but I want more! I want carah!
I had her, but now she wont call me and its like we are drifting apart. I'm not very good at making friends. I have a lot of people I talked to at school, but I annoyed them all the time. I talk to much about my life and I talk WAY TOO much. When I'm around Ryan, I don't talk at all. We have little conversation's but not ones that matter.
It sucks, because he is my first boyfriend and I'm just getting used to being my self around a guy that I like and now he isn't even calling me. I get so depressed. I used to cut my self, not badly though. But then i stoped and started plucking my leg hair rather than cutting. I got red dots from that and it made my lets look unattractive so i stoped and now i pick at my nails. i use my tweezers and pick at my hang nails and stuff like that.
i need to stop, but i dont know what else to do. my mind goes crazy when i am bored. i'm bored and lonely! I have no one to trust except my parents, but thats not enough! a 15 year old girl needs more than that! i'm almost 16 though, so then i could just go on a long drive when i'm lonely.
but thats in 2 more months. i guess i will have to just hold in there and pray my life gets better. Peace out! 
