  I guess if pressed a few years ago about why I wanted to teach in Eastern Europe,  I would have mumbled something about wanting to experience more of the world and other cultures,  or a similar platitude.  I think I remember something about being alienated by America's artifice and obsession with surfaces,  wanting to shake off all the plastic and leave the theme- park.
 ( Or maybe I was just pissed off that I couldn't get an American girlfriend- my heart is such a trackless swamp for me.  But what's interesting,  and I'm speaking only for myself here of course,  is that by immersing myself in Polish life I've learned far more about my own identity as an American than I have about Polish/
European culture.  I can't say anything about American identity in absolute terms,  there are many kinds of Americans of course,  but I have learned something more about what being American means for me.  If you had asked me before I left to talk about my American cultural ( I don't want to go so far as to say "
national,  I'm speaking in cultural terms here,  not nationalistic ones)  identity,  I probably,  just out of grad school,
 would have denied or rejected it,  but after being in Poland for awhile,  I've come to some appreciation of Americans,  and an affection for American culture I never had when I lived in Washington.  ( American)
 ideology is a medium more than an idea:  when I was immersed in it,  I couldn't really perceive it.  We talked constantly about American ideology in college,  analyzed it and critiqued it,  but without any real perspective;
 we were just watching TV and then blowing big words out of our butts in efforts to impress each other with our vast perspicacity ( that's a joke)  We could see little traces of something here and there,  but since you can't step outside your own ideological environment all that easily,  we were missing the essential,  the pervasive.
 But now having put myself in another ideological medium,  this Polish one,  it feels like I have achieved some perspective,  the shreds of my American background clinging to me stand out in such contrast to my environment here that I can see them.  So how do I feel as an American?  What does it mean for me?
 I think it comes down to the tired old cliche of the " American Dream,  which I could probably have articulated a few years ago,  but don't think I ever really understood until I had spent some time in Poland.  It has little to do with a house and a car and a lifestyle,  but just the basic,
 fundamental,  absolute belief that if you can envision something,  and you give it all you got,  you can make it happen.  Just that,  the primacy of the imagination-
the " Daydream Nation.  It's not " optimism,  really,  which is more of a facile "
things are going to be okay"  kind of feeling.  It's more of a basic,  fundamental assumption that the world is a place of possibility,  and possibilities are created rather than found.  For me,
 and I think for many Americans like me,  failure is personal.  It's rarely somebody's fault.  It's never because you were born into the wrong family or in the wrong place.  If you fuck up,  it's your fault.
 You should have tried harder.  You should have got up earlier in the morning.  ( Henry Rollins said something like this once,  something like " There are lots of people smarter and more talented than me;
 I just get up earlier in the morning.  I think this assumption gives lots of Americans their energy and curiosity:  if the world is full of possibility. well,  hell,  there's lots to discover,
 to enjoy,  to explore,  to pursue.  ( A traditional high- school graduation gift in the US is luggage-
there's the world kid;  now go out there and do something.  No idea is too crazy for most Americans:  You want to build a rocket in your backyard?  Hey,  good idea.
 You want to make a career playing computer games?  Go for it.  Start a religion?  Be my guest.  For Americans,  nothing is ever vivid enough;
 imagination and ambition are virtually synonymous,  and play is profoundly important.  ( I think I understand the basic difference between " liberal"  Americans and "
conservative"  Americans now as the difference between those who feel that governments should try to allow maximum potential for everyone to pursue their dreams regardless of how outrageous and bizarre they might seem as long as nobody's getting hurt,  and that this should include genuine assistance to failures and fuck- ups because a person's potential doesn't end until death and everyone deserves lots of second chances to find their happiness,  and those who feel that competition is sacred and that nothing should interfere with it,  preserving social traditions is more important than individual happiness,
 and that winners should take all- if you lose,  hey,  " I got mine.  Fuck you.
 It's every crumb for himself.  The dream is also what fuels our dark side- when such dreams go blind and stupid and heartless ( i. e.  Bush administration)
 you get things like runaway greed,  and contempt for the poor,  and senseless violence,  and Iraq.  But there is such beauty in it when it works;  there is beauty just in the fact that America is one of the most dynamically multicultural societies on the planet and that it works as well as it does-
that so many of us hold a multicultural,  society as something not just to be tolerated,  but celebrated.  ( Something I really never truly appreciated until I had lived for a time in this 99%  white,
 catholic,  Polish monoculture.  There's beauty in the 60's,  and surf movies,  and John Lee Hooker,  and the half-
dozen or so amateur space projects in the US right now,  and the American community college system ( in which the average age of students is about 30- good luck getting into college over 30 in Poland)  and in the pure frivolous delight of roller- coasters and comic-
book conventions and Spiderman movies.  Poland really helped me to appreciate American goofiness,  and just how important it is for me.  Most Polish adults almost never play.  I don't mean " party,
 they do plenty of that,  but just,  you know,  fly a kite,  throw a frisbee,  goof off in a park with giant soap bubbles or model rockets.
 It happens,  but rarely,  and other people will tend to stare in suspicion ( Is he drunk?  Dead seriousness sets in at about nine years of age.  They do enjoy themselves I guess,
 but there is a shroud of reserve over everything,  an embarrassment that seems to accompany really delighting in something,  because,  you know,  you don't want to give yourself over to too much enjoyment of the world.  That would be undignified.
kind of drunken.  ( I think this is why Poles love pubs so much- for the escape from The Dour.  I've spent a few years now among the college- age people of Poland,
 and from my perspective,  which I now understand to be an American perspective,  the time has been pretty sad.  I'm not saying that my perception of Polish culture is entirely accurate,  but that my identity as an American has put a certain angle on my perception,  and how I see Polish culture has told me a lot about how I see myself and the culture I've come from.
 Here,  with a few exceptions,  there does not seem to be the basic assumption that the world is full of possibility and that dreaming works;  the prevalent assumptions here seem to be that the world is full of obstacles and traps and corrupt people who will do what they can to cheat you,  that dreams set you up for disappointments,  that powers are stacked against you,
 and to get something you want,  you either have to be entitled to it by virtue of birth,  craftier than the people trying to cheat you,  have really good connections with people who already have cheated their way in,  or else really lucky.  There's not a lot of common trust.
 There's a tremendous amount of blaming:  it's the government's fault,  it's the boss's fault,  it's the system's fault,  it's the teacher's fault.  (
Soon,  it will be the European Union's fault.  Success is something to be suspicious of,  or envied,  and successful Poles are usually sure to lord it over those below them to keep them in their place.  My students would always deny that this was pessimism.
 They would say they were just being realistic,  pragmatic.  It looked a lot like hopelessness and resignation from where I was standing.  " It won't make any difference"  is not exactly a rousing call to positive action.
 Might as well just go to the pub,  or church,  or maybe church and then the pub,  or retreat into some family sanctuary or other where you can feel safe.  I rarely saw much value placed on imagination,  innovation,
 or work.  I rarely saw much value placed on individual accomplishment.  Most of my students didn't seem to think these things would help them;  those who got around having to work were more admired than people who actually did the work ( and who were made to feel foolish for having tried so hard more often than not)  Being caught cheating on tests and assignments was never a source of shame,
 but getting away with it was a source of pride.  My students were constantly trying to " beat"  my assignments- find the loopholes,  the short-
cuts.  ( Of course,  anytime in history Poles have been faced with some gigantic threat or crisis,  they find themselves coming together to do really amazing and dramatic things,  like,
 oh,  peacefully defeating the USSR- but,  as Poles will be the first to admit,  most of the time they have a hard time agreeing on anything.  It's a bleak ideological environment for an American (
which I now understand myself to be owing to the contrast)  to find himself in,  and I saw the result of it over and over and over in my classes:  students who seemed to have lost most of their joy and their curiosity about the world,  who were afraid to dream big,  or dream at all,
 frustrated and angry students who felt that it was pointless to really try to honestly do well at anything if better cheaters were going to come along and take it all anyway,  and a basic distrust and disdain of people who seemed to be sincerely trying.  Students who performed very well honestly were made to feel almost embarrassed by it.  Conformity and apathy and disinterest rose like smog from my classrooms,  and I had to do a constant little soft- shoe routine to keep my students awake and entertained.
 Some of my most intelligent students withdrew into a kind of fuck- the- world nihilism.  For others everything was a target of sarcasm,  or a sardonic joke.  Those students who were able to hang on to some curiosity and defiantly assert their intelligence,
 imagination,  and identity in some way seemed to me to have almost superhuman intelligence,  confidence,  humor,  and will.  I remain filled with admiration for any Poles I see who seem to be dreaming big,
 and casting their imaginations out into the world.  They are the future of this country,  if it has one other than as market for cheap products from the rest of the EU,  but so many of them seem to want to just get the hell out.  I don't blame Poles for this:  fifty-
odd years of Soviet domination,  and the centuries of invasions,  humiliations,  and subjugation before that have obviously taken their toll,  but my experience of what my Polish students would call their " realism"
 did give me a new appreciation of Americans.  Whether or not I have an accurate perception of Polish culture is less meaningful to me than the realization that these negatives have allowed me to see my own cultural values and assumptions much more clearly than I would have at home.  The contrast has made me more aware of who I am and what I value,  not in a lazy,  " yeah,
 like,  personal freedom all the way,  man"  T- shirt kind of way,  but in a way that allows me to put myself behind what I believe in a fully conscious and committed way.
 " Imagination"  was never really an article of faith for me until I had spent some time here.  For all our many faults,  Americans have at least discovered the value in dreaming big,  and lots of us are trying to make sure that imagination and curiosity and sheer goofy delight in the world remain virtues.
 My time in Poland has convinced me that this is a good thing- I've seen what the absence of these values results in.  For Americans,  reality is malleable,  something to play with,  work on,
 improve.  You don't just bang your head against it.  The idea behind something like Disneyland or Hollywood,  whatever evil corporate interests you want to put behind it,  isn't so much an escape from reality as it is a remaking of reality.  I think Europeans often think of Americans as "
fake"  because they don't realize that Americans subconsciously see all reality as virtual reality,  something to choose and create.  Everything is art:  your identity,  what you eat,
 the way you order your coffee.  We all live in our imaginations in some way,  and our dreams shape our world( s)  getting up and going about the day as a creative act.  I think Americans decided a long time ago to make this a positive effort of will and spirit.
 Having lived somewhere where,  as my Polish students liked to say,  " life is brutal,  I finally see the value of American virtuality.  A problem of course,
 is that American dreams are sometimes more like the delusions of the terminally self- absorbed than visions of hope,  nightmares pushed into the world ahead of a gigantic economic/ military machine,  and this has resulted in grave misjudgment at best and horrific injustices at worst.  Some kind of pathological thread runs through everything,
 and there is obviously the darker side to the spectrum of American experience and endeavor ( if I may be allowed a convenient dichotomy)  but at least my time in Poland has reminded me that there is a light side too,  and real value in the American spirit.  My dream of the moment is that Americans will regain our balance and overcome the fears that have driven us into pathological episodes like Iraq,  and start having dreams worth sharing again.
 Americans will always blunder about and do stupid,  lethal things for as long as we have the power to do so,  but as I prepare to go home after my exile abroad,  I look forward to helping America to recover some of the good in us,  which is I know is there.  Ah well.
some day these ideas may be fully baked.  ( Or is that " toasted,  nicely toasted"
