  ok...i was supposed to call him tonight. i did so. he didn't answer. i IMed him. once again, no answer.....*sigh*.........i'm starting to wonder... i'm already getting to where my happiness relies alot on him. i need to stop that now.
you should never place your happiness in someone else. it only means that in a short while, you will be totally unhappy. i don't know what to do. i feel so.....just empty and powerless....i feel like nothing is in my control, nothing. not my weight, not my life, not my happiness, not my feelings for nathan. nothing.
i just wanna see him. i could be in the same room with him and not say anything to him, and i would be content. damn.....why me? why again? this makes 4 guys this year.....four....and not damn one has wanted me. and i can't figure out why.
nathan claims that he wants me. so i'll believe him. but i wished he'd just hurry up and ask me out. tho i'm not quite sure if either one of us needs to be in a relationship right now. neither one of us seems to be happy. but i think i would be happy if i were with him.
i think my problem right now is not knowing where i stand. he's told me, but it doesn't seem to be good enough. like, if we were together, i would know for sure. right now, i feel like i can be tossed aside whenever he pleases, and i'm powerless over it. of course i'm not. i could get out right now.
tell him i didn't want to be friends or "friends" or whatever. but i can't do that for some reason. but i'll act like i'm ok. it's all i know how to do. i play this role quite often. nothing's wrong, i'll cry on my own time. i feel like crying right now.
i feel so overwhelmed. i miss caitlan. i can't really talk to anyone else. nathan's got his own problems, i don't want to bother him with mine. not that caitlan doesn't have hers either, but....she just always seems to make things better. i miss her.
i miss him....damnit! stop it you stupid girl! you're not going to marry him, you're not going to fall in love with him, so quit acting like it's such a big damn deal! argh! ................ well, that did absolutely no good. i'm still here, still missing, and still needing to cry.... wrote some more last night at like 2 in the morning... "so unhappy with myself i would change but the walls are too thin everyone would hear my pain but feel no sympathy only digust.
so unhappy with him but nowhere to vent there's no room left on my wrists too many other boys have taken up residency there. but i'm not unhappy with him when i'm with him, that is to say. his face suddenly makes everything so much better but his actions do so much damage cause so much hurt and when i fall, i fall hard and i'm obviously smitten I just want to be loved. I just wanna be happy. " 
