  I've spent this entire day since 8am thinking about this weekend, the things I have said and done, and the changes I never noticed. After my last post I laid there on that hard couch and the anger in me just exploded. I have always thought of myself as a nice guy, not perfect, but nice. I swear though the anger was so intense I could have started swinging. Even at the time of feeling that I felt this pange inside myself that made me want to turn that fist back against myself for feeling that way. Am I jealous of something? Have I become selfish and self-centered? Have I become the Drama Monster that I despise so much!? &nbsp; I sit here now back at Tyler and I's apartment, the time of us moving out growing ever so near. Part of me is afraid; another part sad; and yet one other portion of me is happy. Afraid I will lose even more than before the person I care more for than anyone else in this world right infront of my other best friend David whom I also almost lost to a move to Florida as well. Part of me is sad because I know Tyler wants to do something different and/or move out on his own instead of into another place with me.
The happy part has sunken and hidden itself deep inside my fear that it will go away. That happy part is the excitement of owning my own condo, but I am afraid I will not be happy with the ones I might have to settle for. &nbsp; Back to the subject at hand concerning this weekend and my intense inner-reflection. I find my mind comparing me to someone that lost Tylers friendship recently.
To some on the outside they would have thought the two of them were inseperable friends for life. Living with both of them however you get to see what goes on in the real world. She owed him tons of money as well as was never any fun to hang out with anymore because of her constant moods and attitudes. Her possesive bitchiness when she was not his center of attention, and her constant abuse of his good heart and nature. If I have not already in some ways become this ugly of a person I fear I fast approach. Even this post reflects some of the letters she had written him in apology, even though this is not directed completly at him and more myself.
My debt to Tyler is growing, and while I know I have no intention of not returning what he has assisted me with there is no doubt in my mind on some level it irritates him or at the least hurts him monetarily because he could use the extra cash right now. My moods this weekend are startlingly crazy. I as of last night viewed the entire Birthday trip as a horror and failure. What I have come to realize is I am a complete dumb shit. Yes, there were some bad things that occured but that should always be expected. When it happens and is over most people move on and have fun. I instead have been focusing on those crap moments and they shaded out the super awesome times this weekend. Take for instance last night I had the most fun I have had in a long time dancing up on the box. Once I got my ass off the sidelines and let myself go I had a wonderful time. The night before, Tyler got drunk and he is always a blast when he gets drunk (As long as he doesn't get sick ;-)).
Kristina bought me this awesome shot and we had some laughs even though I was tired beyond measure. People knew I was not having much fun because I was tired but they tried so hard to all for my benefit and not their own.
Last night I had a BLAST at dinner even though i was stressing for no reason and the limo was wonderful while my idiotic mind starting picking out all the imperfections I could find no matter how minor. When did I become like that? As a Christian I should KNOW there will never be anything that we do that will be perfect. It's the focusing on the things that ARE right and good that we should be doing. &nbsp; There have been extremely few times I have EVER yelled at Tyler. However last night Kristinas judgmental view of the other most important person in my life hurt me really bad.
The situation may have made her uncomfortable yet I was not sympathetic to that. Instead I took it out on Tyler and yelled at him as if he was to blame for his friend. Being your brothers keeper in absolutly no way applies to that instance! &nbsp; The bed thing, which is such a STUPID and MINOR thing I blew up into a huge ordeal! HOW THE FUDGE DID I DO SUCH A STUPID THING!? How could I have let that ruin the night when I had been having fun? How could I also have been so damn selfish? Yea, I paid for it and Derek didn't. Big deal, I had the bed the night before. Plus I didn't come back till WAY later than they did. Why shouldn't he have had the bed? Why should I have expected him to sleep on that hard ass couch when there is room on the bed with his friends?
&nbsp; Okay, here we are at Derek. This is where that mention of jealousy comes in. Derek is Tylers best friend, my mind has formed that into more of a competition for a position I have no right to intefere in. Tyler and I don't seem as close as we were before and I blame Derek for it. That is totaly not fair. If anything blame myself. Derek, while I attribute alot of his actions as stupid in reality he just knows how to have fun. He is more outgoing, talkative, and willing to do whatever even if he gets labeled as stupid or whatever. He doesn't care what others think, he has fun and that is fun to be around... for those who let it be. I have come to the realization that I have become so damn uptight that I no longer know how to sit back, relax, and just have fun or let fun come. I am no fun to be around. Who wants to spend most of their time with someone who has a contagious bad mood?
I can only think that habitual 'bad mooders' who thrive off it can enjoy each others company. Have I always been this way and just never known it? Or did it just appear over time and I just let it seeth through? &nbsp; I am so afraid of loseing my best friend even more that I am blind to the fact in reality I am going to be the cause of the loss unless I do something. Now the question is CAN I change? How long if so will it take? I don't know if I can do it overnight.
The best course I can think of is to stop dwelling on it now. I have done the thinking, come to the conclusions, and now that I have them I have to CONSTANTLY be self-aware. If I dwell on it though I continue to do the same thing as before. Think of the bad things and therefore they become prominent. Gosh this is super difficult, huh? :-P &nbsp; Oh yes, one side note. Thanks to the one constant in my life that never changes, always stays the same, and will never leave me no matter if I change or am the above.
In my time of need and in my time of joy my Father is always with me. The Spirit never allows me to be lonely and I would like to contribute todays realization to the Prince of Peace whom centered me in my dispair as he always does. The church was stranger to me, the mass was nowhere near my favorite, and the Priest could barely be understood. Through that all I was able to be centered in my state. The anger was removed and I was comforted.
Praise be to the one who never fails. Amen. &nbsp; Oh stop looking at me like a fanatic :-P Above all powers that becomes my strength. I know even most Christians are not that straight foreward and it might seem overdone, but that is the one place where I have never let what others think influence me like I let some as like posted above. I can crank up the latest Worship song in my car and sing horribly at the top of my lungs and nothing can phase me, not even the cute boy in the car next to me makeing a 'crazy' gesture to me of my idiocy. &nbsp; Okay, stop reading now. I begin to ramble if i go further. 
