  So my bf and I talked to that girl we were thinking about adding...yeah... When we first started talking about all this I was really flip floppy. Yes we should ask her, no wait I'm not sure, ok let's go for it, no no I'm scared. Then she figured out that we were thinking about asking her out (which is kinda creepy), and it was her turn to decide. I thought her answer was prolly gonna be no. Mainly cuz she's with another guy but I thought we still had a chance.
I was right at first and kind of right currently...I think. So yeah, at first she said no cuz she's with her man. Understandable. We told her it's not a now or never thing. But then the next day she changed her mind. She came over to my house so a youth group meeting and afterwards we went to the mall.
Sometime during the meeting she decided she wanted to be with us. We talked about it some while we were shopping and she said she was gonna dump her bf that night. Cameron was more flirty with her than normal the rest of the night and that was fine. So then we were all at home and we thought we should call her and make sure she knew some of the rules that would be in place before she actually broke up with her boy. A little while after we got off the phone she called me back to tell me she had changed her mind again. "I just can't see myself having sex with you," was her reason.
All day at work today I kept thinking about all this. I thought maybe she's just scared or maybe she just wanted Cameron and didn't realize it. I don't know. I got yelled at by my boss though. I was so out of it. For the first half of my shift I couldn't stay out of my head.
Then I started thinking about what I want. I don't know what the fuck I want. I want to try polyamory and I want to try it with the girl we asked. I also kinda want my Cameron all to myself forever and ever. I think I want to try the first one more though. I want the three of us to be happy, together or apart.
It's weird, before all this I'd never thought of her in a sexual way. I never thought of dating her. I wasn't and I'm still not in love with her. I don't know though...maybe someday I could be. I think there's a good chance I could be. Wow, that's scary.
I've never dated someone I didn't already love, or at least I thought I loved them. I always want to be sure about things. I know I can't be sure all the time and that I have to take chances. Like I said I've never thought about her in a sexual way before. I don't think I'd be comfortable going over and having sex with her right now but I think it could happen later. How much later I don't know.
This is all so weird...by that I just mean different and that makes me unsure and scared. She says she looks up to us too much to be able to think about having sex with us. I don't know if I really understand that. I admire her too. I'm pretty sure Cammy does also. I care about her a lot and I want to try and make it work.
I'm fuckin scared but I'll try. *deep breath* Maybe she'll change her mind again. Maybe she won't. Maybe she's not ready now and she never will be or maybe it's not meant to be at all. Jeez I don't know but if she doesn change her mind we're ready. 
