  ever since i was little i knew i wasnt going to live a very long life. i still know it at the age of 16. of course, i have ambitions and i plan to go to college. i want to become a vet and start a really big business for unwanted animals. the pretty ones ill send to humane societys because those are taken quickly. the ones without a home. well, those will come with me.
animals just like me. i know that im meant to LIVE though. its hard to explain though. i mean.. life is so... amazing. the pain. the suffering.
what an adventure. most people dont know half the #### ive been through. most people never will. but then again millions know that and much worse. foster care is a scary as #### thing. especially the group homes.
those are awful. but ive been in it since november when my father tried to strangle me and DHR saved me. i lost all of my clothes, my belongings. and here i am. here. my grandmother is trying to get custody of me but she lives in georgia and it was alabama that i was living in before.
ive lived with grams for years though. its just that when pa pa got sick i moved in with my uncle cause mo couldnt take care of me since she was always in jacksonville with pa. bo was nice and all but he couldnt keep me forever. so i moved in with my mother. my mother's husband hates me and my mother cant live without a husband so a few months later i was #### kicked to rickys, my fathers. he once told me he got a few people pregnant in texas. i honestly think those kids are lucky.
they dont have to know how awful a man he truly is. and then there is misha. he was a good friend of mine when i lived in kingsland and he wrote me a letter after my gramps died saying how when he saw me again he realized he truly loved me, yaddah yaddah. i was thrilled. he had been my bestfriend for years. big mistake.
never date your bestfriend. i do think this is such a great adventure though. i mean yeah it hurts a lot. i hate that i cant be home for another month, maybe even two. now its all up to paperwork. on the 13th the homestudy will be done and then we go to court.
of course the paperwork has to go back through before court. then i will be crystal e. helton. in my head though, i already am. im changing my middle name. i hated it. i want ella because ella is such a pretty name and Ella Enchanted was one of my favorite books and still is.
but misha though. he has continued calling me, writing me, ect. since he first told me he loved me on october 31st 2003 he has wrote me a letter ATLEAST once a week and often twice. throughout all the homes he was there. supporting me. and now im breaking up with him.
now im ruining the best relationship ive ever had. why?? because of me. there is something wrong with me. i dont think i was meant to have relationships. i mean it.
i mean i love him but as a bestfriend. i HATE it when he touches me. i hate it even more when he kisses me. he makes me want to vomit. vomit, vomit, vomit. and hes so great.
hes going to grow up to be rich as hell. hes going to get a full tuition to some fancy new york college for filming and become the new peter jackson. and i will be a hermit with 100 cats living in a broken down house with no plumbing and primitive lighting. no kidding. no. ill be a vet.
an amazing vet. ill have exotic animals in my very own house. ill start my business. ill continue photography and do some small films. i dont want to be a director. but i do enjoy filming things.
im really good, actually. actually, im pretty much really good at everything i do. which makes my life all the more awful. maybe im just a baby. because i have the most amazing grandmother in the world and i cant get over the fact that i have her. it scares me sometimes to think i might lose her.
i cant see life without her. oh #### im gonna cry. i. will. be. more. then.
that. ill be amazing. beautiful. intelligent. oh wait, i already am. i just have to keep thinking that.
this diet pill is amazing though. i came here for a visit but i have to go back to alabama on the 6th. maybe ill be okay. im going to miss home. and my cats. and my dog.
*sighs*. but you know what else. i have to quote "to die would be an awfully big adventure. " i wont think of that though even though it eats at me all the time. i wont think of that. i wont think of that.
i wont. ill keep my head up and ill be okay. i will. i have to be okay. crys. 
