  I t feels like I have been haunted by depression all my life. It sucks the motivation right out of me. (How bout I just go lie down and die?!!? ) I have such a strong desire to do great things: Education:A degree in Biochem or Computer Engineering, write a book. Run an art gallery. Continue, continue. I want to learn the piano just in time to have a recording career in late life.
I want to teach children. None of this will happen if I keep undermining myself with sloth. I can't be entirely blamed for this inclination to do harm to my self. I was taught and now I have to unlearn it. It's easy to give up. It's easy to believe you can't do it.
It's much harder to convince yourself you can when all you want to do it give up. First thing I should tackle is throwing out all my un-needed shit. I'm going to need an intervention. ~Self Intervention~ ISN'T IS EXCITING to know that we do not have to live out our childhood messages? As adults, we have choices. - May 19th..Mediations For Women Who Do To Much Mother notes: She lives in the past, the writing, it’s all about things that HAVE happened. Not so much a process of evaluating what is happening now and what may happen and how to get there and what one may find when one arrives. Lack of forward motion. I write to deal with her and to make sense of what happened with her, how it hurt me etc.
She writes about them. Her mother. Same reasons. It is a cycle. I knew that ten years ago. I will be in the process of breaking the vicious circle as it were if I don’t do these things that she does. The way she does. So I have to think about what she does and why she does. If I am to go the difficult route, she and I could try to get to know one another to explore that common ground.
AND HOW PAINFUL AND FUCKED UP WILL THAT BE??!?? I really don’t want to go there. I don’t like the way she tells the same stories over and over. She doesn’t make new stories. I wonder if she’s still boozing. Pills. You cannot trust this person. Really. Keep it short and sweet. 
