  Got up at 6:30 this morning. We are leaving to Lax around 10. I have forgotten to set the alarm clock but fortunately I got up early enough. There were few things to do that were left over from yesterday: cleaning the guest bathroom, washing the towels, and sweeping the kitchen floor.
Steve mowed the lawn and is watering the garden. Its a little cool and beautiful morning. My mom insists on eating dinner with my cousin Ester. I haven't seen her for decades and I think my mom had been keeping contact with her. She's about 3 years older than I. We used to play together when we were young but as we grew older, we never appeared to connect with each other. Actually, I've tried to be close to her since I have no sisters and always envied my friends who has one and her age was closest to mine out of my other cousins. Anyway, now she is about to leave to another country to do her volunteer as a missionary. My mom wants to give her some money. The other day I argued with my mom about that. She asked me to offer her some money since she has very little.
I know my mom was right but inside me, I couldn't stop myself thinking how much she had hurt me in the past and hated to do anything that is related to her. But few days ago, I agreed to meet with her for dinner. Its going to be so awkward. For a long time, I've been having hard time letting go of my thoughts and feelings. Its very painful and I wish I know how to throw away everything about it. I'm a bad person...
I shouldn't do this but my heart doesn't listen to me. Steve is so wonderful to me and I really care about him. But very deep inside of my heart, I feel the aching. I just want to know if he is doing ok... Even, without me... I wish I know if he's happy... He's supposed to go to a grad school soon, and I wish I know which school he has chosen... I wish I don't do this, I wish I can let go of it... 
