  I don't know why I ever didn't believe in love in the first place. What I mean is that I always had a hard time trusting the person I was with. Never really understood why either--maybe too afraid or maybe like I just wanted to deny the fact of getting my heart broken--again. My friend dies, my family and my whole love life shattered on me--so I never really thought that love existed--was just a word or a commitment. A word that you just never really knew the meaning too, but somehow you knew what it meant to you when you said it, and how much it mattered even more when somebody else said it to you. I never really thought I could ever love somebody this much that it hurt. It sounds kind of weird cause I always used to see love as a good movie that had a weird twisted ending. Then I guess I met him and I guess I thought maybe I made a new friend--afraid that I would hurt him I tried to avoid him--cause I was at a stage where I thought anybody that came near me would leave me for good ( like tyson who is gone forever--save a place for me up there--ill miss you). So I kind of denied the fact that I really liked this person ( in an intimate way). Then I guess out of nowhere he kind of just decided to really be there, no matter what I thought (not that I ever told him) he would still stick around through hell or high water.
And at first it was weird for me to have somebody caring for me--especially when I was crying. I thought love was never fair to me. Always stabbing me in the back when I really needed it or being there when I didn't need it. I guess for some reason I look at this person in a different way than I did to all the others.
For some reason I fall in love all over again and I feel like an idiot for doing it too. I guess that I fell all over again. And it makes me go insane. So I guess I am guilty for not letting people in when I needed then Guilty for not being there for other cause I was too stuck in my own little fucked up world. And guilty for falling in love.. all over again 
