Ok…I’m sitting here doing my best to combat this yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nothing much is working so I’m going to go with the flow of what I’m feeling I think wow I shouldn’t have come last weekend because right before that I was definitely at the place of return…I mean I could have been ok and not hit the place of actual physical emotion. I mean I’m glad I came because it was wonderful…every moment wonderful…I can recall how each moment shifted into the next
in a easy cool good way. I like having friends…good friends…ones you can trust and spend seriously joyous time with…before this weekend you could have hung on to your standing position as my friend…now it’s too late… oh man, that little envelope on my crappy phone that shows up when I have a text message is nice…so nice because I know it’s from you, and it makes me smile every time…not just a hmm smile…but the kind of smile that starts with my toes and warms my body. You get me There aren’t many people that get me, though I don’t hide much I love that you think my hair is cool, and tell me always when I look extra pretty…because you always make me feel the normal amount of pretty I love that we sing together in the car to music that everyone else I know would laugh at me for knowing the words and that you cry and I cry and it’s good and I was watching you singing and all I could think about was that I have no idea how we got to this point, but I wished the song would never end. And then all I could think was that I want to know what
the side of your neck smells like and I really couldn’t even hear the music anymore, let alone remember the words. I love that most of the time I wear no makeup and don’t do my hair, and I do fun things like hiking, and swimming in the ocean and laughing on swings. I love that you baked bread and taught me how to ‘have tea’ and don’t think I’m weird because I cleaned your shower I’m trying to figure this out, why I’m falling for you and I know
I’m not supposed too and I know that you won’t love me back but I have no answer and it just keeps happening And I love that you want to share with me important moments in your life, and tales of interesting people and your lists and pizza from the box in the car And I love the good day star and everything that that day was about and how on the drive home those stars were so lovely but not nearly as lovely as you and wanting grab your hand and how you thought Jill Scott was groovy too And how laying on the beach I wanted to curl up with you and have a bit of a snuggle
and how I secretly thought people might think we were the couple with the sweetest dog And how it seems that you pop into my head more times than I can count and I spend times when I should be doing other silly things thinking about what nice way I can make you feel good I just don’t know how I’ll combat this one, remember you told me I had nothing to be scared of…I knew then you were wrong and I should have run far away…I knew that weekend
that I would fall in love with you…and I guess I believed as usual that it was possible for you to fall in love with me back…that you would see how wonderful I am and that you would be unable to be without me and now I’m way past that and I’m hurting because I know I’m not the one you’ll pick flowers for or make neato gifts for no reason for…no matter how long I hang around and the present moments feel good…the rest is shitty and I feel
abandoned I know there are a million reasons for you to be alone…I know why they are important and essential… …but it’s just that I’m hoping you might have one reason to say “yes.” so with that…after I hear the ‘no’…not now, not in a month or a year…I’ll say to you…thanks…you’re so wonderful and I must say goodbye…this friendship is too much for me and it’s tough being this emotionally available and intimate with a friend that needs to stay a friend…my heart doesn’t feel the difference…
