  Well,  it took me awhile,  but I figured out who you are.  & nbsp;  Really baffled as to how the hell you even found me,  but whatever. nbsp;  Actually,  I guess it's easy enough to find people online. nbsp;
 I mean,  I found you.
nbsp;
 How naive of me to assume you couldn't find me too.  I would like to say thanx bunches for the comment.
nbsp;
 REALLY enlightening.
nbsp;
 I just love being judged.
nbsp;
 Now,  the only reason I'm not sending this to you in an email is incase of the chance -  albeit it extremely small -  it wasnt you that posted it.
 & nbsp;
I know,  oh so childish attacking you on a stupid blog and I am sorry if I offend you,
 but whatever.
 Deal.  Okay,  i just had to put that in there.
nbsp;
 Back you you and your comment.
nbsp;
 Why did you even read this or my LJ?
nbsp;
 Seriously,  I'm not mad,  but why?
nbsp;
 I'm not going to preach privacy or NE thing like that because if something is posted online,  then it kind of defeats the purpose of private,  but still.
nbsp;
 I don't typically read things of people I know.
nbsp;
 For starters,  I think if they wanted me to know,  they'd tell me themselves.
nbsp;
 Secondly,  it is&
nbsp;
weird and kind of creepy.
nbsp;
 You can colour me black pot if you want as I've read some friend of yours' blog,  which in itself is just as weird if not more so but I havent read yours.
nbsp;
 I could really care less about you and your life.
 & nbsp;
So you should care even less about me and mine.
nbsp;
 But whatever,  I digress.
nbsp;
 What's done is done.
nbsp;
 You've read my shit and now think I'm crazy.  I don't suppose in your judging mind you cared to catch on to my point and realized WHY I was so upset.
nbsp;
 It's okay if you didnt,  it took me awhile to figure it out myself too.
nbsp;
 I used to think I had some sort of crazy mixed up feelings for you.
nbsp;
 But now I realize my problem has had little to do with you or NE thing that comes from a good place.
nbsp;  Well,
 actually,  I suppose it is good that I feel badly.
nbsp;
 It gives me hope that I truely am a decent person afterall despite of what happened.
nbsp;
 But that's besides the point.
nbsp;
 I have been driving myself miserably nuts with grief over what I helped do to your girlfriend.
nbsp; nbsp;
Please don't try to deny any wrong doing either btw.
nbsp;
 I'm not stupid.
nbsp;
 I knew the second I woke up at your place that she didnt just " stay"  there occasionally.
nbsp;
 I could just tell.
nbsp;
 And I think I saw it in your face too.
nbsp;
 Bean trying to convince me that I was wrong in thinking you weren't completely honest about your relationship just prolonged my confuzzlement as she had me doubting myself.  ( Damn you bean!  Can't really blame you as I am so often wrong,  but damn you just the same dont worry I still luv ya though : P)
 Okay,
 sorry,  back to you again.
nbsp;
 As I was saying,  I knew anyways.
nbsp;
 Bean stalking out your blog ( sorry for the privacy invasion it's what she does)  and telling me just put my mind at ease.
nbsp;
 Dont worry,  I know next to nothing.
nbsp;
 I havent read it myself,  nor will I ever.
nbsp;
 The only thing I was told is that you do infact have a girlfriend,  and that for sure you've been together a lot longer since the last time you saw me.
nbsp;
 Now,
 I want to be very clear on this point here:  I havent been upset about you having a gf.
nbsp;
 Go you.
nbsp;
 At least someone is getting regular sex.
nbsp;
 But in all seriousness,  you're not mine hon.
nbsp;
 You never were mine and you owe me zero explanation about your personal life.
nbsp;
 Frankly I could care less.  What I do care about is the fact that you were still with her when I was around.
nbsp;
 I dont enjoy carrying around feelings of shame and guilt for being a homewrecker.
nbsp;
 Granted we really didnt do that much,  but still,  if my boyfriend cheated on me,  and what we did would be classified as cheating,  I'd kill him.
nbsp;
 Then I'd hunt down the bitch that was with MY guy and kill her too.
nbsp;
 And I'm not even violent or confrontational person.  I'm so not throwing this all back in your face to make you feel guilty btw.
nbsp;
 I'm sure you've beaten yourself up enough,  or at least I would hope you have.
nbsp;
 And like I said to you before,  you owe me zero explanation.
nbsp;
 But in the same breath,  you have no idea how much I wish you'd been more upfront and just had the balls to just say,
 "
No,  I can't do this.  I'm in a relationship right now,  and I could nvr hurt her in that way"
 I wouldn't have been upset.
nbsp;
 I would've understood because like I said,  you weren't mine to get upset over.
nbsp;
 How I only wish you could've said no.
nbsp;
 It would've save me so much angst and guilt.
nbsp;
 Not to say I dont accept my own part I played in this.
nbsp;
 I put myself into this predicament and I should never have invited myself over.
nbsp;
 I'm very sorry.
nbsp;
 God how I want to take it all back.  Fuck!  I just keep putting myself in her place,  and if I found out.
nbsp;
 I would be crushed.
nbsp;
 So picturing her broken little heart even though I'm sure she has no idea about me,
 and even though I don't know her either,  just breaks mine.  Alright.  I think that's about all I have to say on this subject.
nbsp;
 My god how exhausted I am from it as I'm sure you are now too.
nbsp;
 I'm sorry this was so long.
nbsp;  Actually,
 you know what,  completely off subject here but I just realized something.
nbsp;
 Whenever I've been around you I've clammed right up,  and now,  I wont shut up.
nbsp;
 How's that for irony.  Oh well,  who cares really?
nbsp;
 So,  moving on.
nbsp;
 If you've taken the time to read the whole long assed post,  I hope it's given insight unto me.
nbsp;
 You said before that I had some troubles with letting go of issues.
nbsp;
 If I were a person on the outside looking into my jumbled thoughts I would think so too.
nbsp;
 Infact even with the most inner perspective seat in the house,  I still couldn't for the longest time figure out why I couldn't just forget about this.
nbsp;
 I normally dont stay upset about anything.
nbsp;
 Whatever is plaguing me I forget about it the next day.
nbsp;
 But then I realized I've never done anything this wrong before.
nbsp;
 Can you see that now?
nbsp;
 Do you even care?
nbsp;
 Prolly not and you prolly still think I'm nuts.
nbsp;
 Oh well,
 whatever. nbsp;
 I tried and now I'm tired.  In conclusion,  although this&
nbsp;
post prolly sounds bitter,  I want to stress that I am not bitter.
nbsp;
 This wasnt coming from a hostile place nor was I&
nbsp;
trying to make you feel bad or piss you off.
nbsp;
 I promise.
nbsp;
 And if that's all I succeeded in doing,  I am truly sorry.
nbsp;
 Just please try not to make snap judgements concerning me okay?
nbsp;
 I wish you nothing but good fortune.
nbsp;
 Oh so corny cliche I know,  but it's true.  And I now officially close this chapter in my life for good.
nbsp;
 Really.  Much kindness,  Jamie 
