  Okay this is a little weird. Im not really big on this whole computer thing and I just came across this website where I can have a log for free and write whatever the hell I feel like? I guess its kinda cool. Anyway Im having a horrible time. Im in recovery for heroin and Im 21 days sober today. I guess thats really good, and I am proud of myself its just that Im in a really weird place. Ive been doing drugs for the past six years, and Im only sixteen.
Drugs is all I know and the drug lifestyle is the only one Ive ever lived. I guess its just that, to me, I am at a place where I have to make a huge decision. I know that I am a drug addict and I will never be able to socially drink or use, so I have two lifestyles to choose from. 1. My old lifestyle, getting high all the time and not caring about anything, while my whole life spirals down the drain and I lose everything that I love. Okay, while getting fucked up is really fun and if I didn't love doing it I wouldn't be where I am today, I just do not want to return to that lifestyle and die a lonely death with absolutely nothing.
Its insane how easily drugs will drain you of your money, friends, family, and more importantly, your emotions. 2. The sober lifestyle, which Im sure is great, but its unknown territory to me. Plus, this may sound shallow, but it sounds boring as hell. I hate routine and the thought of going to meetings everyday and struggling with addiction for the rest of my life, seems extremely routine and boring.
I dont know why, but it really bums me out that I will never really be a sober person, I will always be a drug addict, a sick drug addict, struggling each day to stay sober, for the rest of my fucking life, which, since Im only sixteen, is a long fucking time. Anyway, Im just really in an odd place right now because Im faced with this decision between two places that neither one of them do I want to be in.
I know which one is the better choice, the smarter choice, and the healthier choice, but the fact that Ive never lived that way,and that I look at it with such an impression that it will be boring, just pulls me back to the using lifestyle which really sucks. Hopefully I will get some sort of insight as to where I need to be, and also where I want to be. 
