  Part One: Piquing His Curiousity Friday morning I called S and left a message. I had a proposition for him. Late that afternoon he called me and asked me about the proposition. He seemed very curious, which was my intent in leaving such a vague message. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it on the phone. He was sick, so I said that I understood if he couldn't see me that night - he interrupted and said that he would try to meet up with me and would call me later that evening.
We said goodbyes, but neither of us said "I love you. " The absence of the phrase hung ominously in my mind like a thundercloud over a tender crop of nearly ripened cherries. It bothered me, and I wondered what it meant. I knew that I still loved him, but I didn't want to say it if he wasn't going to say it. My mind went into overtime. In order to escape my brain, I plunged into traffic to go to K's house because I knew that the drive would distract me.
Because I have been spending so much time there lately, I am now a proud new owner of a key to K and B's home. I let myself into the empty apartment and lay down on the couch and vegged out on cable tv (it is a luxury I myself do not possess) while I waited for K to come home. I thought about how I felt exactly a week before - like the end was absolute with S, like I would never hear from him again, and now here I was trying to see him again despite Tuesday's Decision. The rest of the evening was spent eating Taco Bell (I had my first Gordito - not too bad) and watching the Olympics Opening Ceremony - I must say that I was very impressed. The bit with Eros (? ) flying over the parade of statue-like people was breathtaking.
I wish I had Tivo so I could watch it again. It is amazing all that went into the production for one little night. At 9:30 I gave up on seeing S and decided to go home. He called me while I was in the car - and of course he wasn't coming. He asked me again about the proposition, and I again told him that I wanted to talk about it in person. He said that he would try to see me Saturday morning - I didn't want to, because I didn't want to compromise on my decision not to see him on days when I have Bubba, but I didn't tell him that.
I just said that I was busy until the afternoon, and then we hung up. Again no "I love you"s. It continued to bother me. Were neither of us really in love? I had paused and given him time to say I love you, but he didn't. I didn't say it because I didn't want to hear I love you too. So I didn't hear anything at all.
I got home, got ready for bed, and put the Olympics Ceremony on (geez it was long). I continued to think about the I love you thing until I broke down and called him. He didn't pick up (big surprise), so I left a message saying that I had a question for him. I wanted to ask him if he loved me, but then I wondered what would be the point of that. He would just say yes; what else would he say? It would just be non-conclusive - I wouldn't feel any better.
Leaving the message did nothing to calm my mind, I continued to think about it, so I finally called him again. I said, in my message (were actually thinking he would pick up? ), that I really needed to talk to him. Why do I let him get into my head? I must be going insane. Part Two: To Meet or Not to Meet Saturday morning he called me, just as I was settling into the chair at the salon (I was getting some bold highlights).
K was with me, so I decided not to pick up (why I am playing these games I will never know). I listened to the message and he said that he was wondering about my question, still curious about the proposition, sorry that he missed my calls - he had fallen asleep early due to being drugged up on Sudafed- and looking forward to seeing me that afternoon. I let K listen to it. She said that he didn't sound very nice. I rolled my eyes - he sounded fine to me. She didn't think that I should meet up with him.
I wasn't so sure. I really needed to talk to him, but I had Bubba, and I didn't want her to see him anymore until I was more sure about things with S. I tried to call X - he had to go to a wedding. My mom was on a singles hike. I couldn't think of anyone else, and K wasn't volunteering. I didn't want to ask her because I could tell that she didn't want to watch Bubba. One, she nannies all week, so watching a kid on her day off isn't so ideal, and two, she didn't think that I should see him and compromise on my decision not to see him on days I have Bubba and besides he missed his opportunity the night before.
I didn't call him back. I just got very glum. Hours later, my hair done, we went to the grocery store to pick up some lunch. On our way there, however, as I griped about wanting to meet with S, and tried calling people to watch her, K finally offered to watch Bubba. I hadn't wanted her to volunteer, because I didn't think it was at the top of her list of fun ways to spend her Saturday, but after making sure that she was sure, I accepted her offer. Then while at the grocery store S called and said that he would call me in an hour to meet up with me.
We went back to my place and ate our lunch, and Kristen left with Bubba right as the hour was up. I hopped into the shower and beautified myself, but no call from S. Two hours went by, and I finally called K and said that he could forget it. I was just going to come over there to be with her and Bubba (who was still napping). When I arrived we jumped on the computer and I looked at singles sites - how depressing. While upstairs at the computer, we heard my phone ringing from my purse downstairs on the dining room table. I sat there and let it ring until it stopped ringing.
He had let me wait long enough. I was just going to tell him that I couldn't see him until Wednesday. And then I realized that I should have picked up the phone to tell him that, so I bolted downstairs to listen to the voice mail. There was no voice mail. I looked at K - she said, "Just call him. " So I did.
And I arranged to meet him around the corner in twenty minutes. (Why can't I resist the man? ) Part Three: My Own Happy Ending I was nervous as I approached him. I knew that I looked good - I had spent long enough on myself, but it wasn't that. When he hugged me though, as always, my fears disappeared. Now I just needed to get my proposition out and find out what is going on in his head.
We walked towards Green Lake, and though he wanted to continue around the lake, I stressed the need to start off on a bench. I couldn't walk and talk about this at the same time. He seemed nervous, which made me feel good that I wasn't the only one. "Okay," he said. "What's going on in that mind of yours? " "What's going on with us, S?
Things have been so weird since you got back from NY and I guess even the whole time you were gone. I have felt so far away from you. What do you want with us? Where do you want this to go? Are you ready for it to just fizzle out and end? Do you want things to go as they have been going?
I just need to know where your head is before I can tell you where mine is. " "I certainly don't want this to end, R," he looked at me tenderly and then spoke the words I had been waiting forever, it seems, to hear, "I love you. " "You do? " He nodded. "Then," I poked him in the chest, "Why haven't you been saying it? " "I have.
" "No. You haven't. " "I'm sorry," he said, head hung low. "It's just that I have been feeling horrible lately - like an admonished school boy. I have treated you so badly and was rightly scolded for it, and I guess that I sensed a certain distance from you. I wasn't calling you regularly because I wanted this to blow over a little, and be sort of redeemed in your eyes.
You have been so doubtful and critical of me lately - and rightly so - but it has been difficult to endure. I have never doubted my love for you, but I could sense you were doubting yours for me, and I needed to think about the rut I have dug this relationship into. " "Well, that is understandable and has a lot to do with why I wanted to talk to you. I really think that we need to change the nature of our relationship. I think our biggest problem is that we have moved far too fast, and as a result I have come to expect far too much from you - more than you can afford to give right now with all that you are going through. I think we just need to take a few steps back and stop talking about marriage, until you actually propose, moving in together, until your bags are packed, etc., etc.
I want to simplify us - to go back to just having fun. I want to lighten things up a lot. " With this I paused, I figured that I had said enough to get my point across. "That is a great idea," he said. "I wish that I had thought of it. " And then he looked at me strangely.
"Do you want this to be a casual relationship? " "I suppose so," I shrugged. "Will you be seeing other people? " "I might," I didn't want to see other people, but the ways things had been going, I was ready to throw in the hat in exchange for a nice normal relationship. He seemed dismayed by my answer, "I love you ," I said. "I don't want to see anyone else, but the way things have been going....
Besides I don't mean that by casual, what I mean is that I just want a lighter relationship. I don't want to be upset with you all of the time. Do you think I enjoy calling you up swearing and angry? I don't like to run a relationship like that. My aim is to remove the stress and strain we have been feeling, so we can go back to just have a good time. " He was visibly relieved.
We kissed, stood up and had a lovely walk around the lake - we were one of those slow-walking lovebird couples that I mentioned in a previous post. At the end of the walk he said, " Now I know that I have no right to say this to you, and I don't want to sound possessive, but I really don't want you to see other people. I love you and only you, and I want you and only you. I know that I am technically still married, but I have no other women in my life. " I kissed him and assured him that I loved him and that I would keep him informed should a suitor step into the ring. Back at K's house, after I had said a lengthy goodbye at S's car, I was happy, but emotionally exhausted.
I gathered up my stuff and Bubba and drove home completely at peace - all of my anguish was dissolved completely. Postscript: Completely Oblivious But shortly after I got home I received a call from B. I asked how he was doing, but he wasn't up for small talk. "I am really disappointed in you. You said that you were going to spend the day with K; she was really looking forward to it, and you promised not to pick up the phone and then you dump Bubba on her and ditch her for S, and then when he doesn't call you call her and again say you won't pick up the phone, but you ditch her again. You made her feel like crap. And aside from that I can't believe that you are letting S in your life.
He has treated you horribly, and I don't think you should be with him. " "Wow," I took a deep breath. I was completely shocked and taken aback. Not by what he said about my being with S - that was not a surprise at all. The surprise would have been if he hadn't reacted that way. In fact when S and I first began our walk toward the lake, he asked me if anyone was waiting around the corner to beat him up.
But I was completely surprised that K felt as she did. I had not even been thinking. I had ditched her, and I felt rotten. I thought back to the event of the day and realized that I had been so self-absorbed that I didn't even see how my actions affected her. What a dick I can be. She eventually talked to me and I apologized and told her always to tell me when something bothers her and slap me if I even do that again.
I thanked her profusely for giving me the opportunity to sort things out with S - it really had made a big difference. She said that she could see that already too, just by the way I was when I returned. We said goodnight and were, thankfully, on good turns again. And I vow never again to risk a friendship in that way again. Is there a girl version of "bros before hos? " 
