  What are some good ways to tell your partner to stop doing something or try something new in bed? I'm a pretty polite person, so I don't want to just come right out and say,"Man, you really suck at this. And not in a good way. " ----------------- What a great question! I just love talking about communication. But, like most of the world, I'm a lot better at talking than actually communicating. Sooner or later, you WILL want to give someone feedback about sex. Even if you're in bed with the most skillful person in the world, you're lots different than the last piece of ass they had their hands on.
It's important to be able to point out those little differences in a nice way and to point your buddy in the direction of what makes YOU happy. Talk about a common situation: I once dated a guy after my friend finished with him. She LOVED the way he gave head. Best in her life. After the rave reviews, I was pretty anxious to take his tongue out for a test drive. Sadly, when I finally had him where I wanted him (in between my thighs), I was NOT impressed. He knew his way around, he had a passion for the work, he was dedicated and tireless (probably has tongue cramps to this day), but I just wasn't feeling it. During the next day's post-mortem, the first thing my friend asked me was: "Did those circles he made with his tongue drive you nuts or what? " Well, I HATED the damn circles. I just didn't know how to say so without being rude. So this column is for both of us, babe. There are three main methods of giving feedback in bed. The first, the Non-Verbal , is most tempting and used by 99.9% of the population.
Want him to deep throat you? Gentle hands on the back of his head. Hate a finger up your ass? Remove the offender promptly from your danger zone. Ok, so it's easy, and it doesn't ruin the mood like an "Uhm....excuse me? You, down in front? " But beware, my friend. You run the risk of seeming abrupt or being misunderstood.
You may think you're giving a "Do Not Enter" signal three miles wide, and your partner might think you want her to replace her finger with a 12-inch "super-wide" dildo. The Sandwich method requires finesse. No, I don't mean inviting your best friend to drop by for an instructional demonstration. Rather, you say something nice (a lie), then say something not as nice, but in as nice a way as possible (the truth), and then finish it off with something nice again (insert lie here). This is a good one to use in the heat of the moment: "I LOVE it when you give me head. Could you maybe...just a bit right, and up, and WATCH THE TEETH and OH, that's really,really good. God, you're a pro. " The Direct Approach is the scariest, but most mature way to go. Say you'd like to get a good spanking, but your partner never seems to get the hint when you wear your assless undies and fling yourself over his lap. What to do? I say, come right out with it. Pick a good moment. If you're not used to talking about sex with your partner, it's going to be awkward over the breakfast table.
I've found about 5 or 10 minutes after the start of a makeout session to be ideal for a minor/slightly kinky request. Bat your eyelashes a little, act all seductive, and say something like "You know, sometimes I just get so damn horny when I think about being spanked. Is that something you'd be into? " Prepare for defensiveness from your partner (you ARE offering constructive criticism, after all). This is a good time to ladle on the compliments and reassurance. Remember, one issue at a time is just about all most people can take without turning into a fetal ball of insecurity.
So don't bring up all your complaints at once, ok? Finally, if you need to discuss a heavy topic, disregard everything in this column and see the next one. Tactful communication in bed is an art form. You might be tempted to just shut up and fuck, thinking it's not worth the trouble of correcting a partner's bad habits since a) you'll never see this person again or b) you'd really like to see them again so you don't want to offend them.
Well, you're wrong. First of all, for the good of humanity, you want to leave your partner a little better than you found them. Curbing a bad biting habit, for example, is practically a tax-deductible act of charity. Second of all,you can really make a good evening great (or a bad evening, well, salvageable) by sharing a few pointers on what makes you tick. 
