  Well I did it. I told Jeff I don't want to do this friendship thing anymore. That I can't. That I am so angry, so hurt, it's impossible for this to work. I told him goodbye. But goddamn all I feel right now is like crying.
I can't bring back all of the anger I felt before. I can't find that jealous little pang in my heart when I'd see him with Kara. I just feel miserable. It was just like a film. I half expected to turn around and see Steven Spielberg and a camera rolling over my shoulder. We had it down to an art, really: standing at the doorway, looking into each other's eyes for the last time, one final kiss on the forehead, the fateful "goodbye," walking away, turning around for one last glance...
I guess everything still feels like the movies. Just not the good kind anymore. I know I had to do it or else I'll never heal. But every day there's going to be something I want to share with him, and everyday I will miss him. And I guess I wish one day he'll call me up and say, "Jen, I can't live without you" but the chances of that are slim. He doesn't need me anymore and he's always been so much better at this kind of thing.
He'll move on. I'm scared I may never see him again. I had to do this partly because I was sick of being the one who called, the one who said "hey, let's hang out. " It was so hard because I feel he never made the effort for this friendship that I did. I was the consolation prize when Kara was busy, the backup when he needed something to do. So I walked away.
I don't know if he'll ever really miss me. He's good at finding distractions to prevent thinking. I know I'll live. I made a vow to stop denying how I feel, however. Whether it's right or wrong there's just one thing I wish circumstances would have permitted me to say to Jeff yesterday: I love you. 
