  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog made fun of me the other day. I thought I could handle it, but he was just too cruel. I cried and cried, but he wouldn't stop. He kept talking about pooping on me. After Triumph had his way with me I ate a whole can of French cut green beans. They tasted awful, so I called the 1-800 number listed on the label.
"Hello, customer service," a saucy young man said on the other end of the phone. "Yeah, hey, what's up? Um, yeah, well...You see my green beans that I just ate? They kind of tasted bad. " "I'm very sorry to hear that," he said. He really did sound sincere.
"Our green bean company prides itself on only shipping only the best beans in the world. I would be happy to send you a complimentary can. We apologize for any inconvenience. " "Oh, okay. Thanks man. But I don't think I really want that.
Your green beans kinda suck. " "I'm sure if you just give our brand beans another chance you too will become one of the millions of satisfied customers served this ye- " "You guys make anything 'sides green beans? " I wondered. "Corn. " "Hmm, could you send me some of 'dat? I like corn.
" "It's on the way. Thank you for calling customer service, and have a nice day! " The corn arrived almost instantaneously. They actually shipped it next-day air. As happy as I was to receive the package, there was one small problem. So I called the 800 number again.
But it was after 5 P.M. Pacific time, and they were closed. I had to wait through the whole weekend before I could talk to them. On Monday, I made contact. "Welcome to customer service! " "You mother $%&amp;#ing ass-lickers! I'ma gonna kill you!
I hate canned corn, you bitches! I thought you were gonna send me corn on da cob! Not 'dis bull crap s#*%! I hate you! I hate you! I hope your company dies!
You can't do this crap to people. It's just not right! " I began to cry. "Sir, this is a professional call. If you continue to use that language I will disconnect. " And so I was disconnected and apparently my telephone number was blocked from calling their offices ever again.
I took the piece-of-crap can of corn to a homeless shelter and vowed never to eat vegetables again. 
