  I don't know why I keep putting myself through this, why I keep trying to cling to a past I know is dying. I'm so tired of people drifting in and out of my life; the ones I long to keep all seem to just float off into the ether. Behn, Kayt, Rainy, Alex... there comes a point where it seems there's nothing left for us to say to one another and they just sort of dissapear. I know roughly where they each are, but they've ceased to be a part of my world. I tried to call Rainy, he wasn't home earlier and now his phone is busy.
It was busy all last night, too. I called Behn again, left him a message just saying it's me and that I miss him. Over the past few months, I've left him a variety of messages, ranging from manic to depressed to angry, all telling him to call me. He won't, he's gone off the edge of the map again. I've gotten used to him dissapearing, and dissapointing me.
Jasmine wonders why on earth I bother calling him a friend, his unreliability and tendancy to vanish are well proven. But when he comes back, when he's in my life again, he's such a delight to be around. He's a fop, an over dramatic, showy, self-absorbed fop, and I adore that in him. He's also been one of my closest confidants; one of those people I trust enough to tell my secrets who is removed enough from my day to day living that I don't feel like I'm burdening them with information that will plague them.
When I've really needed him, he's been there for me. I need a friend I can confide in right now, and unfortunately none of my accessible friends are really ideal for that. They are all too close to Jasmine, or insensitive to all the subtle nuances of my heart. Behn lived through some very hard times with me, and took care of me when I needed taking care of most. He let me move into his dormroom when my mother threw me out in our freshman year of college, he kept making me eat and tried to limit my drug intake as best he could. He held me when I cried, and poured out all my misery over him, and like a gentleman rejected all of my desperate, depressed advances.
I used to say I wouldn't have any friends if it weren't for the ones who refused to sleep with me. Without them, I'd have an even longer list of people I'd fucked and not spoken to again. It was Behn who first came up with the whole "D and the Technicolor Blowjob" bit. My standard greeting for a while was, "Hi, can I give you a blowjob? " No one ever said yes. I doubt I'd have done it if they had. It was a way to make myself grotesque to people, to thwart any possibility that they would be interested in me from the get-go. It worked fabulously, unfortunately. I think I may have missed out on a lot of good connections because I was defending against them preemptively. Behn had known me a little bit before all that began, before I set up camp at the commuter cafe hollering at random passersby to come watch me swallow things. I'd lost my gag reflex for a while there and had discovered that I could swallow chains and other long, flexible objects with relative ease.
My favourite thing to swallow was Stink's wallet chain. It was a 26" chain, probably about a quarter inch thick and I could feed it down my throat and into my stomach. I could feel it in my belly if it was cold, which it usually was. Stink was another one I'd fucked, who I can only assume has forgotten me.
It was Valentine's Day, he was someone else's boyfriend and we were having an anti-Valentines party that Friday the 13th that went well into the morning hours of the 14th. We talked about it once afterwards, we were both really stoned so I didn't understand most of what he said then, but I think it was something along the lines of thinking that I was really super keen and he wished he had met me before he fell head over heels in love with this other girl he was dating at the time, the one he cheated on with me that Valentine's Day. I've had that conversation with a few people; they think I'm super-neato-keen, but.... Behn's 'but' was that I reminded him of his exgirlfriend, who was also super-neato-keen, but crazy. Rainy's 'but' was that I was insane, I think. Fair enough. Melissa's 'but' was that I was a girl. Jasmine's 'but' was that she just got out of a bad breakup and she wasn't ready yet. She eventually succumbed to me, after months of my being attached to her at the hip, whether she liked it or not.
She'd come home to her dorm and I'd be hanging out with her roommates waiting for her. She'd go to class and find me peering down or peeking around a corner at her. She'd go to meals and I'd be waiting at the door for her, usually to borrow $5 so I could eat, too. If she didn't answer her phone, or if the line was busy too long, I'd call her roommates and get them to tell her to get off the phone so I could call her. I stalked her, plain and simple, until she gave in. She was flattered by the attention, I don't think she'd dated anyone quite as unwell as I was. I wonder about that now, look back on it and I wonder if maybe she fell for me because she didn't have any other choice. She was fragile, from the breakup and just from being Jasmine, she's delicate on her own. She wasn't in a great state emotionally and I basically pushed my way into every aspect of her life.
I held her hostage with my affections. She and I have talked about that, I've told her I doubt sometimes if she's in love with me or if it's that I took her in a frail state and forced my way into her life. She kept trying to tell me she didn't want a relationship, didn't want to date anyone, and I kept saying 'ok, we'll just fool around' and we'd fool around and spend all our time together, and eventually I think she just grew attached because there wasn't much other choice.
She couldn't get rid of me so she learned to love me. It's that syndrome where hostages fall in love with their captors. She kept saying then that she didn't want to get involved again, that she never wanted to love again. When she finally confessed that she was in love with me, she told me that she didn't want to be, that she'd tried not to let it happen; she couldn't help but love me. I was charming . I'm such a wretched creature, I always have been. 
