  I have posted and deleted at least half a dozen entries so far in this blog. This one is staying, I guess, no matter how lame or whiny or self-indulgent that seems.
Isn't a blog sort of self-indulgent anyway? Why would I think anything in my life could possibly be of any interest to any other person in the entire world? So...here I go. Who I am, what I want, what I do...this is as hard as when my boss at work asked us to all write our out goals and how we are going to attain them. My goal at that time was to get the Hell out of that place. I just wrote down that I wanted to be debt free. I didn't want a confrontation. Just roll over, take it up the poopoo shoot without Vaseline, and smile. Be nice. Try to help others. Seems the more I do that stuff, the more Vaseline I need. I just want someone to be kind to me. To talk kindly, to put me first, to care what I think or feel or want. Not ask me, and do whatever the hell they want anyway, but to actually take into account what I say, think, or feel and make it matter.
Most of the time I feel like the only thing that matters about me to anyone is what I can do for them. Babysit for free or cheap. "Loan" them money I know I'll never see again. Pay their bills. Be their cheerleader. I'd like a cheerleader of my own, someone to really share things. Someone to share the bad stuff, not just the good. Someone who doubles the joy and halves the sorrow...gag, yeah. You know, what you want and what you get aren't the same thing most of the time.
I guess, all in all, I just want to matter. I want my existance to matter. There was a man here in town that most everyone in town knew of. He died. Nobody went to his funeral. Not one person. Not ONE PERSON!! I don't want that to be me. 
