  This blog entry& nbsp; is dedicated to a new found friend I have met online. nbsp;  He has his own blog and is currently dealing with coming out of the proverbial closet. nbsp;
 In fact,  it is he who& nbsp; inspired me to start my own blog; nbsp; nbsp;
I eagerly await to read his daily updates. nbsp;  The first couple entries of his that& nbsp; I read I couldn't understand what the big deal was. but I gradually came around to his side.
nbsp;  He is 32 and has,  up till now,  led a traditional heterosexual life. nbsp;  I on the other hand,
 came out when I was 20 and really knew no other existance. nbsp;  & nbsp;  Memorial Day,  1985.
The local Gay and Lesbian Alliance was having a barbeque ( if you read my earlier post,  you will understand that the fact that they were serving food was definitely a perk) nbsp;  Anyway,  I digress,
 as I do far too often. nbsp; nbsp;  I attended the picnic,  well actually it wasn't that breezy. I drove by about 12 times before I had the nerve to pull into the driveway.
nbsp;  The local Gay and Lesbian Alliance holds their meetings at a Luthean church,  so I guess my first major fear was that I would burst into flames upon setting foot on holy ground. nbsp;  Having alleveated that irrational fear I did pull into the driveway and parked my car.  &
nbsp;  There is something profoundly disturbing about acknowlegding your sexual preference particularly when it is not considered mainstream,  traditional or normal. nbsp;  I suppose my generation had it particularly harsh since the AIDS crises was just coming to light. nbsp;
 Of course I took it personally,  as though a higher power deemed that I should not be allowed to fulfill my sexual destiny. nbsp; nbsp;  I made my way to the front door of the church and& nbsp;
looked around to see if anyone driving by could see me walk in. nbsp;  Luckily the coast was clear& nbsp; so I opened the door,  walked in and didn't look back.
 & nbsp;  The lobby sign indicated that the BBQ was in the meeting room on the first floor,  after& nbsp; milling &
nbsp; around the lobby,  reading every flyer on the Community Bulletin Board I gradually made my way to the meeting room,  lest I appeared overeager to join in the fun. nbsp;  &
nbsp;  The room was setup for a meeting with the steel folding chairs you would expect to& nbsp; find at a school & nbsp; auditorium.
nbsp;  There were only a couple people there,  primarily because I was a half hour early. nbsp;  I made my way to the back of the room and sat down in a chair in the last row. nbsp;
 So far,  so good I thought,  this wasn't so bad. nbsp;  & nbsp;
 As the next 30 minutes progressed more people filed in,  occaisionally I felt them glance at me,  the new comer,  but mostly they chatted amongst themselves like friends do. nbsp;  The realization that I was an outsider in an millieu that I was unfamiliar with caused me increased anxiety.
 & nbsp;  There was a brief meeting with information given out and updates on upcoming events. none of which I listened to as the blood pounding in my ears caused a slight hearing loss.  Thirty minutes later the meeting broke and the evening turned social. nbsp;
 & nbsp;  I was approached by Friendly Gay Man #  1,  who it turned out,  lived about a mile from my house.
nbsp;  I never saw him again but for that brief moment I felt like& nbsp; I had a gay friend,  or should I say " sister"
 I was leaning against a stack of folding chairs facing him and we chatted for a while.  I confessed it was my first time there. nbsp;  A couple minutes passed by and we were joined by Friendly Gay Man #  2,  at which point I had to repeat it was my first time.
nbsp;  After a couple more minutes passed by Friendly Gay Man #  3 joined us and again I had to relate that it was my first time there. nbsp;  The ventilation in the meeting room was pretty poor,  and the heat and humidity from what we traditionally consider the start of summer was becoming increasingly oppressive.
nbsp;  It was,  I suppose,  about this time that I realized that three gay men were surrounding me in a semi circle,  not in a predatory fashion but just as any little clique would form a little hen party. nbsp;
 & nbsp;  The sudden realization that I was among my peers should have made me feel welcome and comfortable and secure. nbsp;  I mean,  I was with my own kind.
right? nbsp;  & nbsp;  In actuality I felt very stressed,  hot and&
nbsp; uncomfortable. nbsp;  It was then that my vision started to fade a bit,  going from slightly gray to near black and I felt my legs buckle under me. nbsp;
 I didn't lose conciousness but I was unable to hide the fact that there was something seriously wrong with me. nbsp;  I reached my arm out to grab the chairs behind me as my legs were giving out. nbsp;  For the three men not to have noticed would have meant their combined IQ scores would have equaled the posted& nbsp;
speed limit outside the church. nbsp;  I understand it isn't socially acceptable to look away during these times,  after all it's a good samaritan to come to the aid of the needy. nbsp;  But I really did wish they would have had the good grace to act like nothing out of the ordinary had occured.
nbsp;  & nbsp;  They all reached to help steady me,  and I feebly offered the excuse of the heat. I excused myself as&
nbsp; I unsteadily but persistently headed for the door. nbsp;  Once outside the ample quantities of fresh air helped to further " sober"  me up.
nbsp;  I ran for my car. nbsp;  Seconds after getting behind the wheel,  Friendly Gay Man #  1 appeared in my driver window and asked if I was alright.
nbsp;  I assured him I was,  thanked him profusely and left.  & nbsp;  It would be months before I would return to any meetings.
nbsp;  But I did go back. nbsp;  Well. maybe& nbsp;
four times in the twenty years since.  & nbsp;  Looking back on that experience,  I am very glad I went. nbsp;
 Not so glad it went the way it did,  but we can't rewrite history. nbsp;  Sadly I couldn't appreciate the one aspect I look back on now with fondness. which is the fact that three Friendly Gay Men were simultaneously& nbsp;
genuinely interested in hatever it was that I had to say. nbsp;  It's true when they say youth is wasted on the wrong people.  & nbsp;  &
nbsp;
