  last night scared me. it really did. i guess i have such a blind melon, when the truth does come, it pierces me like a serated blade. (yeah yeahi cant spell). in a way, i like being oblivious, but i also like to know the truth. i want to be able to consciously reject, deny, or in general suppress the truth IF i would like to do so, but&nbsp;i do NOT like being kept in the dark.
ive been in the dark for too long. sleep&nbsp;provided little rest, comfort to me. i wouldnt doubt whatsoever that the demons that gather there-elm street extension (real life version),- the demon that is cursing that household has perhaps clung onto&nbsp;me in the process. i&nbsp;know how crazy it sounds. but like, i believe in angels, i knOw they exist, and so conversly their&nbsp;opposite must exist, too.
&nbsp;i had nightmares all night, and woke up this morning -clueless as to what was happening but on&nbsp;the verge of tears. i do not feel even slightly rested. i feel completely run down. i think that if there is an evil spirit down there-he obviously sees me as the threat that i am to his evil force. evil is always intimidated by goodness, and either evil wins, or it cowers and runs liek hell.. i dunno.
i cant help but think of the past. i can help but think that it wasnt until jessica's dad killed himself that all of us ever really got into the occult. hell, we were just kids wanting our friend to be able to talk to her dad, to tell her dad she still loved him. but the ouijia board couldnt provide us with what we sought-how could it? the closing question we asked him-where he was at-it told us the bleak reality-hell.
and so, it wasnt for a couple years that i got more into occult. i mean, i never practiced black magic-at least not intentionally-&nbsp;but i know when i started drinkingin 7th grade&nbsp;but before the drugs in 8th grade i read the necronomicon. my friend gave it to me telling me how few were in print, how powerful it was, how to not lend it to anyone else. i doubted what she said, but being he stupid kid that i was (just like with acid) i had to test everything on my own. (so people say looking into your pupils while tripping makes you insane? well well well..lemme try! ok, that is off the point..let me..find..it.aha! )i tried incantations of this ancient book the dead, the book of satan.
:( i would only use&nbsp;whatever ingredients i could get my&nbsp;hands on&nbsp;1/4-1/2 of what was required.&nbsp; i attemped to summon some ancient thing. i dont know what the hell i was thinking. but if memory serves me correctly, it was shortly after my dabblings in this occult that i got out of school suspension, became a pill fiend, and then wound up in rehab.
it's haunting me..it's haunting me... now as i continue to dig up my past, i recall ordering a book on shamanism over the net. the dude accidently sent me a calendar on magic before he sent me the book.he told me to keep it. thinking it was harmless enough, i kept it up all school year long. i really liked the pictures. soon, i cut them out and hung them on my closet. SO is it just coinsidence that this year was the WORST YEAR OF MY ENTIRE LIFE or was it that-by opening my psyche to magical concepts-even if white-wiccan-it also opened&nbsp;ME up to tons of bad stuff, too. :(..spirits eagerly waiting on the otherside, in the netherworld, to prance on anyone willing, waiting. so now&nbsp;i am left to wonder if it is the tormented soul of charles roberts haunting the fenstemakers.
it could easily be. i guess it could easily be any demon, tho, too. when tonya was living there, she would ask me to join her cult. id always say no, that i wasnt into drinking blood and shit. at the time, i think she wanted it to be white magic, which i was also into at the time. but she got more than she bargained for-im sure-it turned into black magic. i never wanted to drink blood. i always refused to and always NIEVELY shrugged it off when matt/dave/andrew t old me that was the 411.i secretly hoped it reaLLy wasnt happening. and now? now, i will never know what really happened. all i know is that ihave this overwhelming feeling that i must help them. that i cant let them flounder alone, with tempation all around them. perhaps that house iS the gateway into hell.
perhaps&nbsp;i lost my soul a long time ago and now im doing my best to reclaim it. 
