  haiz.  nowadays so tired.  especially trying to figure out who's friend or who's foe.  everyone disguise themselves so well that i don't know who might stab me at the back the next minute,  who might lend a helping hand when i most need them.  but what's trouble me most is her.
 trying to avoid her and somehow i feel like she's doing the same thing.  so for a few days we didn't get to talk to each other,  not even close.  its best to respect how she feels and reacts to the rumors,  now that we learn that she got a boyfriend.  it will not be a good thing for her boyfriend to know about this.
 can't get down into the mood to study,  either i can't get the chuck of infomations disgested into my brain or i simply fell asleep while studying.  i know that the prelim are coming and i'm positive that i won't be able to finish my revisions,  but i'll try my best to do what i can.  the chances seem so slim but i still have got to give it a shot.  i realised that i had given too lenient to myself.
 if you are good to yourself,  life will be harsh to you.  if you are harsh to yourself,  life will be good to you.  i can really see examples of this in my surrounding.  my elder brother,
 whye hong,  had been working very hard since he graduated,  not saying he was easygoing on himself,  in fact,  he actually ask a lot from himself,  he's the most diligent of us three.
 so,  i'm always beneath him in whatever i do.  people around me believe that i can do better in the common things but i couldn't get myself to work that hard.  i had always believed and always said that the three of us are brought up in different ways,  different environments,  differents methods.
 my elder brother being the 1st son had always work very hard for everything,  perhaps because he's the most senior,  he can depend on no one if he encounter problems,  he can only rely on himself,  he believes in that also,  therefore he also expected the same thing from the 2 of us,
 my mom trust in him a lot and leave him on his own.  my second brother pays little attention to his study and is rather impulsive,  thus he made a lot of mistakes in life,  and i can see that he has many regrets too.  because of this,  my mom care about his future a lot,
 he had also been very filial and organised,  he manage to show leadership in some part of life and work things out.  as for me,  i'm brought up in a way of comparision,  whater i do will do taken to compare with my brothers,  i always said to be the most rebelious,
 you can said that of all the three of us,  i am the worst.  perhaps that's the truth,  i rely on my brothers a lot,  i turn to them whenever i had trouble.  but in recent years,
 i learn to rely on myself,  i learn to trust only myself,  i learn to bear all kind of situations,  circumstances.  i want to be stronger,  stronger than what i've been before,
 i want to stand firm,  go on even where there is no one that i can cling on to.  so i don't talk unnecessary,  that might only reveal my weakness.  i hate to be compare with them,  i am me.
 in school,  i just look like a carefree guy who lame around,  have fun together with my peers,  but if you have notice,  i never talk about myself a lot,  or thing related to me personally,
 i don't want to let people know in depth about me.  this only make me have more worries.  though recently,  i started to be soft on myself,  i wonder is that good or bad.  when i look at friends in the past,
 it seem like we have lesser or no topic to start on,  it occur like as we grow up,  we have more things to keep from one another,  more things to remain as secrets.
