  Well.  i got to talk to eric this morning.  for a lil bit.  I think things are starting to change.  slowly.  but i think they are.
 I was reading thru our old convos and yea.  i can definitely tell things are different now.  I mean i know that is to be expected.  but im scared that we're growing apart.  It seems like he's holding on because he doesnt want to think about letting go.  And because if he let go that would mean that his parents were right.
 It doesnt seem like he loves me as much anymore.  now they're just words.  and i dont know if those feelings are still behind them backing them up.  I dunno,  im sure that im just freaking out.  because im me.
 and thas what i do.  and because this is all just so hard.  But i mean i think about stuff like that and then i wonder what im holding on for.  i mean i love him.  i know that much.  but am i holding onto something that is dying anyway.
 no matter how much neither of us want it to.  I'm so scared that by the time school comes around he's going to be done with me.  done with all of this.  and then i will have held on for nothing.  Well not nothing.  this is my challenge from God.
 i have to keep reminding myself of that.  God wants to test me.  wants to give me a challenge.  and this is it.  I'm trying my best,  and im hoping and praying that it is somewhere close to good enough.
 I mean i know that it isnt good enough.  but it might be somewhere close.  I love eric so much.  i dont want to lose him.  or what we have.  had.
 i dunno if that should be present or past tense.  i dont know if we've lost it already or not.  I'm going to keep holding on.  it's all i can do.  Just walk forward blindly.  hoping that im not going to stumble and fall.
 and if i do.  i hope that someone will be there to pick me up and point me in the right direction.  Wow.  this really doesnt sound like something that a loving girlfriend would be writing.  but i dunno.  it's what has been on my mind.
 what ive been thinking about.  the source of my insomnia for sure.  and probably my illness as well.  Its funny what love will do to the most capable of people.
