I go on the school BBS to read this poem a friend wrote: There are a few things You just shouldn't do Like telling someone you love them When you don't know if they love you My friends have been hurt by this And I'll admit I have been too It's just too bad for us, I guess That the problem is nothing new We help each other through it Time after time it's the same It's like we all just never learn That such feelings aren't a game We can't just blame it on Cupid And say he'd better work on his aim And we can't just hide after we say it We can't be overwhelmed with shame I know the feeling that I get The restlessness, I know it well The need to share how I feel It can be so hard not to tell My friends have to remind me Only I can break the spell And if I choose not to then I'm stuck And I've locked myself in that cell I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't Waiting it out is the worst part But it's still so much better Than letting him break my heart So I keep it inside and only tell my friends It's the only choice I have that's smart I'd rather be silent and strong Than let him tear me apart I hate myself sometimes For always feeling this way Even though I won't tell him I'll still rehearse words to say In this situation there's no black and white The only colors are shades of gray
And in this in-between place I pretend I like to stay I don't want to be thrown back Depression's never fun I'd rather come out at my own pace There's no race here to be won And I'll go through some hurting By the time that this is done But this way I'll get over it And still be able to love the sun I hate it in the shadows They always make me feel so bad And if I let him put me there For a long time I'll
feel sad Then when my friends get sick of it They'll tell me I make them mad But it hurts me so much more To pretend that I feel glad So I'm saying this to warn you To watch out for things like this Things you shouldn't say or do Because there's too great a risk Even if it seems like it could work You might not find that bliss So just look out for big mistakes That could keep you from things you'll miss -Sandi Gammon I read this
about an hour after my last very depressing post. And at the exact moment i finish reading it, the song I'm listening to sings, "It was only about an hour ago..." How fucking ironic is that?! And then I thought about the Friends rerun today on WB, when Monica tells Rachel not to tell Ross that she is still in
love with him. "Do you know how painful it is to tell someone you love them, and not have them say it back?" Oh God, is this an answer to what I've been longing? Silence? Or is this just another stab into my already confused emotions? Dammit.
