  Just minutes ago I was pretty sure of what I wanted to say.  All these thoughts and emotions flowed through me,
 eager to be released,  eager to manipulate my fingers so they would convey themselves into comprehensible& nbsp; words.  T hat was minutes ago.  I stood starring at the monitor,  the words leaving me,  the emotions ebbing away slowly.  I was not sure anymore.  what did I want to write about?  Was it a story?  Was it a sort of journal?  Did I want to write about anything at all?  & nbsp;
 I took a deep breath and closed my eyes,  tapping lightly on the source of all my thoughts and like scared butterflies,  my thoughts spread their translucent wings and flew away.  Truth is I didn't know where to start.  and without a start,  you cannot begin to tell your tale.
 & nbsp;
 There are days that all this&
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seems so complex and I drift in awe and fear,  in this endless sea,  a relic left to the mercy of the waves and the winds.  Then there are days that I feel I am the captain of this mighty ship called My Life and that I turn the wheel to follow in the direction I want to go.  I feel strong and competent on days like these and my fear is nothing more than the frail whisper of the wind as my ship,
 My Life,  rides the waves undaunted.
 & nbsp;
 I was this brave captain up until I got married,  basically because I had to be;  I was all alone before and I was held accountable for my self only.  Little did I know of the magnitude of change my life would undergo as I softly said " I do"  looking lovingly into a pair of dark eyes on that Friday morning in the City Hall.  A crummy looking,  fat man with a stained shirt performed the ceremony.  His skin was brownish and sickly looking,
 his graying hair tousled,  his eyes yellowish and his big belly overflowing over his belt.  If I didn't know better I would think he was a garbage collector and not the deputy Mayor of Philadelphia.  I had no notion of what this day would be like;  in fact I hadn't even thought to invite our parents up until the last minute.  All the mystery and fun was taken out of this thing called " The Wedding Day"  MY wedding day.
 Maybe it was because George,  my husband,  had made it seem like a trivial thing.  All this paperwork and the lack of a romantic proposal put me in a frame of mind that was certainly not romantic.  However I did get my hair done and I did buy a new suit for the occasion.  He didn't even wear a tie.
 & nbsp;
 We didn't live together immediately after we got married.  I still had roughly 7 months left on my apartment lease and our new apartment was not ready yet.
 It now seems like so long ago but at the time to me it seemed like those 7 months would never end.  However time has this tendency to indeed pass and there I was all of a sudden,  23 years old,
 married,
 somebody's wife,  responsible for someone else,  responsible for a whole household,  with no particular knowledge and suddenly.  with a family that seemed to want to be this huge part of life,
 to know everything I did daily and of course always eager to give me advise about how to best care for their firstborn who now was my husband.
 & nbsp;  & nbsp;
 Don't get me wrong,  both my parents are alive and I have two younger siblings so technically I do have a family.
 But its the kind of family that you see on formal occasions.  The kind of family that would swear they want to see you more often but whose busy lives don't offer that opportunity often.  I was raised with a time limit " You must be grown by age 18 because after that you are on your own"  By age 18 I was ready to be on my own.  I wanted to be on my own.  My parents,  though divorced of course,  gave me everything I could possibly need so that by age 18 I would be ready to be on my own.  I went to the finest schools,
 took piano lessons,  guitar lessons,  did my ballet,  did my sports,  got my degrees and diplomas and by age 18 I was sent off to University to study.
 & nbsp;
 But as my family would soon prove to be,  that attempt of mine to study was taken to be " frivolous"  and when the chance came,  my family would come to the conclusion that a Bachelor's in anything wasn't a "
must have"  and I would be pulled off Uni in order to get a job.  I was after all 21 at the time,  certainly I was able to fend for myself so why would they have to pay for me to study?  However I did get a diploma in Pre- School education and I got a job as a kindergarten teacher.  The salary sucked and the hours were long,  the work arduous and filled with responsibility,  but I loved the children!  The children made every second worth my troubles and their smiles filled my heart.  I cried at the end of each school year knowing I would not see my children again as they left me to go to elementary school.  I wondered if they would remember me,  but I don't remember my teachers from the age of 3 or 4 so I suppose they won't remember me either.
 & nbsp;
 I got an apartment on my own acting under the impression that George would move in with me,  but it soon became evident he wouldn't.  The rent was more than half my salary and suddenly I felt betrayed.  I was stuck with a two year lease on an apartment I could not afford,  all by myself and a boyfriend who seemed totally "
out there"  Thankfully he intervened and I got a better paying job as a Developer in a big computer company.  My passion for computers indeed helped me out for once.  George was " with it"  and " out of it"  at the same time.  I cannot possibly judge him because God knows how he must view me.  I am sure a lot of my personality traits bother him to no end like some of his bother me.  But I am not the manipulating type;  I would never try and change him in his basic form and function.
 I take most things as they are,  in a way respecting that they are the way they are for a reason.  but the more I stayed with George the less brave I became.  He had a cunning power over me,  this need of his to be on top and in control.  This need to double check me just in case I did anything wrong and of course every argument would end up in a fight;  a fight he would always win.  He had an inate need to convince me that I was no longer alone,  that I could count on other people and as time went by I started to believe him thus letting go of my strength.
 I would not need it anyway now that I had other people to rely on.  right?  Sometimes I think the only reason he stayed with me is because I was the only one with low enough self- esteem to nod and say " yes sir"  every time and let him get away with everything.  He has a mean temper.  and complete and utter terror seizes him every time he feels he might loose control.  He has an obsession with money;
 he seems to think that as long as you have money,  you are fine.  so in turn he works all day long.  Basically I think that I can commit murder and tell him and as long as he won't have to pay,  he will nod and say " ok"  But if something threatens his status in any way,  there will be Hell to pay.  Its been two years since we moved in together.  and here I am,  alone in this apartment,  waiting for a husband who works from 7am to 9pm,
 to walk through the door,  eat and sleep and sometimes watch a movie with me and I wonder.  is this really the life I dreamed of?  Is this the life all couples of this era live?  Am I the only one who feels there is something seriously missing from my life?  Or am I just plain crazy and I have watched too many love films over the years,  enough to have a clouded version of what a married life is?
 I used to believe I was waiting for something to happen.  that all that happened before were just preparing me for this one moment when my life would really start.  and I look back now and I realize it has really began.  However he seems to think that he is still in preparation.  He seems to say very often " We still have this or that to do and then we can relax"  there never seems to be a right moment for him.  Things have never&
nbsp;
 really started for him,  he is still building infrastructure.  It seems we are on different pages.  or is it simply that this is life and all this time I was just living in a dream world?  Were all my dreams and fantasies about the future just that?  Fantasies?  Is this the real life?
 Is real life nothing more but hard work,  a husband who moves further and further apart from you but provides you with a good living.  a house that needs constant caring but is also your golden cage?  Where is the balance in all this and how can I find it?  Up until 2 years ago I was sure I was the captain of my ship.  now my main sail is broken and hangs loose and my rudder won't always obey my hand.  I feel less and less strong and confident.  I started caring more and more about appearances and what the people would say.
 I started laughing less and less.  and I wonder:  Does this happen to all new couples?  Or is it an omen?  A sign?  And will love really be enough?  The universe is calling me.  and I don't know how to answer.
