  There is a lot to say this morning, and I probably won’t get through half of it. It’s too bad though, because I feel there is a lot of life-relevant material in it. I’ll begin with the weekend. NitroGen is repaired and back on the road. The new transmission, I’m going to give it about a week.
I don’t like it. It does not shifty like my old one did, and unfortunately it’s still auto. It also leaks a good amount more and has no off the line power. Poor poor me. Had a LAN party this Friday. A lot of fun. I went to bed about 5 in the morning, woke up and they were still playing. Went down to my dad’s house, came back a couple of hours later and they were still playing. Now that’s dedication.
Then we went off to the Relay for Life. Another all-nighter ensued. This is kind of where the story begins, well a part of it at least. The Relay for Life is a walk for cancer. It goes on the whole night, from 4 in the evening Saturday until 5:30 the next morning. Well I knew a couple of the people who we walked with, but I didn’t know them all that well. Really Mike and Zoya are the one’s who I can talk to. None the less, in pairs of two, I won’t always be able to have a conversation with them. I’m paired with a friend of marks’ a nice guy named Matt. Well as the evening sets on Zoya of course warns everybody that only bullshit comes out of my mouth.
I couldn’t hold a regular conversation if my life depended on it. This is actually true. I can only talk about cars and computers, sometimes social interaction amused me. Everything else is superfluous. I cant’ even act like I’m interested. Zoya attempted to give me lessons: nod your head every once in a while, say I agree or I disagree and offer a small bit of opinion etc etc. Like it’s all easy to do that Zoya. Offering a relevant opinion and agreeing or disagreeing requires that I was listening right?
There is the flaw in your plan!!! So in any case, my walking partner seems a little afraid that we are not going to have anything to talk about. I gave him a taste of the BS and it just flew right past him. The same thing happens with Zoya, Mike loves the BS. He’s willing to follow these logical paths from an illogical start, which is really what the BS is.
Here is a sample of what one of these starts would be: We need to decide which people are going to be assigned to which vehicles for our cross country paint ball tournament. We need a team of our loyal friends in assignment of course. The vehicles we have are two motorcycles, two cars, two four wheel drive vehicles and a RV/Semi truck for repairs and command station. We will run the gambit of what these vehicles need to have and how we would go about constructing these things, to who is best as the gunner underneath the four wheel drive mustang.
The conversation takes hours, is completely irrelevant, and is a lot of fun for us. This works for the two of us, I think, because we both have a love for technology and invention that others seem to be missing. So Matt is not like this. Matt is gay; and you’ll see why this becomes relevant in a short while. Being that I could not BS with Matt on this same level, I decided that I would go deeper into my own personal thoughts.
The kinds of views that you might see here. He knew the kinds of comments that I made. The typical red-blooded American comments that are so erroneous and stupid. Well I love to make these kind of comments; more than that, I like to try and justify them. He figured I love cars; I love red meat; Conan the Barbarian was a good movie because there was nothing to think about, he just killed people and ravaged women so on and so forth.
This would not be the kind of person that he would enjoy talking to. Therefore I would have to show him that I was an open minded person. Which I am to a certain extent. We somehow got started on the subject of musicals. I made the comment that I hated musicals.
He made the joking comment that he was just beginning to like me too. So I explained that I really actually did like musicals, opera, plays and the whole lot; that I had done things like this throughout high school, and then at the end of it realized that I had somehow been tricked onto the whole thing because I could not fit in any other way than with oddball theatre people, who seemed just as dissociated as I was. I furthered this by explaining that I like to say things that are of an extreme viewpoint, but the reality is in the things that I do.
I claim that I hate children, but if you have ever seen me with them you could tell that I actually do love them. I love their innocence, their ability to love and treat a total stranger as if they were part of the family. Something that I cannot do. I claim that I only love meat, but in truth I see nothing wrong with any other food.
Sure I a great steak, but who doesn’t. I never complain about a vegetation or even a vegan (well at least not in their eating habits). Then there are cars. I explained before that everybody believes I hate anything that is not classic American. No, I love cars, and that’s it. He was satisfied with this opinion, and already a good hour had passed in our walk. We were set to walk for a half hour and decided to continue on with the conversation instead. I began to walk through the “trials” of my life in a giant monologue when we began talking about daily tensions.
I explained that I may not always be happy, but I am a satisfied person. I told him about the history of the car, my dad’s relationships, my mom, siblings and so on. This again lasted for hours. The conclusion of the conversation seemed to be once again that what does not kill you makes you stronger. Mind you that was not said because that’s cliché and stupid, but basically. We are not shaped by the good moments, we are shaped by the bad, with a hope for the good. What enacts change and evolution of tragedy and crisis. That is why my favorite Shakespeare is Titus Andronicus. There is so much emotions that the character is forced to change, and even in that change he is crushed.
There is no hope, there is no future. That is drama! We ended up having a great time walking together. I stayed off the bullshit and Matt didn’t have to fear the lack of conversation. So did I change, did Zoya actually teach me something that night? Well sorry friends, but I already knew how to do this. I can hold a conversation when I want to; but there is one key for me. I do have to be genuinely interested, and I will not fake it. I have never said ask e no question I’ll tell you no lies.
I invite the questions, and you will find the right me, but you may not always find it in the words. 
