  I have dreamed my whole life of finding or creating a safe heaven, a home for myself, and now my children. I have vaguely been shown love in life, let alone ever respect. I honestly can say that. I speak of Monika and how much she cared for me. But fact remains she left and choose to leave with a feeling of guilt placed onto me by her. That's not love.
I spent my entire life being other's stepping stone and emotional dumping ground and because I was related to them it is supposed to be tolerated? To me that is not love. I emotionally invested myself into people who doesn't have the slightest clue what love is about let alone to posses it. For all these reason's I blame myself. Apparently, I am incapable of obtaining my dream..It is exactly that a fantasy. I discarded my biological mother/father, and one sibling due to toxic circumstance's I was forced to endure why should someone I allowed into my relam be any differnt?
Why, allow someone to the very core of my soul and knowingly let them trample it? Sitting around here yesterday crying and feeling utterly miserable. I was having a major pity party. Then I read these words someone else said to me : I know how much it sucks when you feel betrayed by your inner self.Reading those words, it was as if something just clicked for me. It was not that I was broken . It was that my mind had betrayed me.
I know the difference between the two seems subtle and perhaps meaningless, but for me it was the difference between passivity and action. Suddenly I wasn't bereft. I was freaking angry at myself. How dare it fail muself? Keara Lynai McCardle YOU are NOT broken. My stupid heart betrayed me like Judas!
And I am pissed as hell, but I am not broken! Somehow this anger has to get me better . Again, I know that it might seem like the same thing is being said, but to me it is different. It is a compartmentalization of the offending part, rather than an indictment of me as a whole. . If this needs to be thought of as an adversarial situation, than so be it.
Because until I am one with me and have people in life who feel the same, my emotions are against me and my goal is to get them aligned toward a goal of creating peace for myself once again. To allow myself to accept I do deserve more then I've allowed. That *I* am worth 
